The Fourth Horseman

The Day of Rest

I woke up in Jay's arms full of energy and radiating happiness. What a night! I wasn't hung over at all. I sent a prayer of thankfulness to whoever was listening and snuggled closer to Jay. His arms came around me tighter and he kisses my shoulder.

Today I wanted Jay to stay with me, enjoy the day, just be in each other's presence. I realized I didnt know much at all about Jay and he knew even less about me but that's OK. I don't need to know his full life history. I was only concerned with this present moment. This step I am taking right now. I didn't really care what we did, I just knew I wanted to be with him.

"Can you stay with me today Jay, and stay the night with me again?"

"Yes and most definitely yes. Yes to everything."

Although I was comforted by just being with Jay and enjoying each other Jay had other plans. While I accepted this man as a stranger with no real need to pick and pry into his past history, Jay was on the opposite end of the spectrum. He wanted to know everything about me.

"How old are you?"
25

"Where are you from?"
Family been here in these mountains for well over 200 years.

"When is your birthday?"
December 10th

"What's your last name?"
Freeman

"Beach or mountains?"
Bit of both

"Favorite color?"
Blue, green is a close second

"Food?"
Hibachi

"Have you ever been in love?"
Once

"Who was he?"
Guy named Eric. Complete whore of a man. Broke my heart

"Can I kill him"
No

"Do you like your job?"
I like the money

"Dream destination?"
Scotland then Japan.

"God damn Jay can we at least get up out of bed if your going to 20 question my ass all day? Let's take a shower together, how does that sound? But coffee first, ok?"

I got up and started walking to the kitchen. Then started to sing...."stumbled out of bed and wander to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition!"

I can sing.

I love it. Music had become my saving grace growing up. Locking myself in my room and turning up the music loud. Even when I was a little girl, I sang wherever I went, whatever I did.

My neighbor once told me they would open up their door in the morning when I would sing loud playing on my swingset just to hear my little canary voice. Yes I was a songbird trapped in an old, mangled cage.

Whatever horrible feeling I had at any given moment my voice would ring out strong and smooth, well controlled and vast with range. It pulled me out of the depths and provided the vital ray of happiness I needed.

When my grandmother was dying with cancer, lying in her hospice bed she asked for me. We had spent many nights staying up late, her teaching me new songs and church hyms. Amazing grace was what she asked to hear.

They set a tiny step stool by her bed for me to step up on. I sang with all my might. Ill never forget her smiling face and the rays of sunlight that danced across her bed and onto the walls as I sang the last line..."was blind... but now...I see." She passed that afternoon.

My voice. My gift.

"My God Nicole you sound amazing! Was that Dolly?"

" Yes baby, the queen of the south. God bless her."

I turned to look at Jay and giggled. Green eyes twinkling and smiling that million dollar smile. I smiled back and we stood staring at each other.

I began to wonder what my life would look like with this stranger. Who was I now that I had experienced Jay. Who was I becoming. Could I ever go back to a life without him? Could I eventually forget him if need be. If he walked out what piece of me would he take with him? I didn't really want to find out.

I wanted to stay here in this moment, in his company forever. I was hopeless, but at the same time hopeful, for what the future would hold for us.
This was my new adventure.

My trek into the wilds of the unknown filled with new experiences and giving life to desires and dreams I had long put to bed as impossible. Again I danced with danger. Knowing the line I was walking had two chasms to fall into.

One side I would land safe in Jay's embrace and be loved and cherished, the other side bleak and barren....empty and filled with pain and longing. Which side would fate choose for me? My steps were steady on the rope and I hoped with all my might, if I fall, whichever way, let me live to tell the tale.