𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊

|44| This time it's reality

We woke up in time this morning, and we got to school after he drove me back to my house earlier so I could change without people knowing I was at his house, except for my brothers.

The day is fine, him and Jay finally talk, I'm really happy about it. However, there is something else bothering me for a few weeks. I lost my notebook, the one in which I write my ideas for my novel. And right now I'm going crazy. I have been searching everywhere, I even ask everyone. I made my brothers return the entire house to find it, but nothing.

It's been a while now, but I didn't care before because I had some major writer blocks, but since the party, and since he told me these things, my mind doesn't want to stop thinking. So I really need to write down my ideas, and I absolutely need my notebook for that.

Besides, I don't want anyone to find it and read it, I would feel embarrassed. I'm not a pro, and I don't want anyone to criticize my hard work, just because he wants to make fun of it or something.

I don't intend to let someone read it right now, and probably never, this story is a bit like a way for me to improve, to start making real plans for the future. Just a way to escape reality.

I spent the whole day asking everyone at school if they found a black notebook. But still nothing. Except, I guess my luck was back, or not really because someone found my notebook, but I would have preferred it to be someone else.

He returned my notebook to me a few minutes ago. I just wish he didn't read it. He didn't comment, so I guess he probably didn't open it, at least he didn't read it all. He just saw my name on the first page and that's it.

I freaking hope so.

As soon as I get home, I rush to my room to write down all my ideas. I just go downstairs to eat, because I can't miss my father's Spanish dishes for anything in the world, then I go straight back to lock myself in my room.

I spend half the night writing, I am currently sprawled in a totally uncomfortable position on my bed. My eyes close and my head falls, before understanding anything, my head sinks into my mattress and my notebook flies to the ground. I'm too lazy to pick it up or just move. I will see that tomorrow morning, I make an effort to turn off my light and fall asleep instantly.

I jump in panic and look at the time on my phone. 4:49 a.m.

This nightmare was not so terrible, but it's impossible to go back to sleep now. I hesitate to go to the bedroom of one of my brothers, except I don't want to wake them up. So I decide to continue my story and make some changes to it. Maybe writing and reading will tire me out, and I'll be able to go back to sleep.

I get up and put water on my face, when I come to get my notebook, a lot of papers are scattered all over the floor. I don't remember having that many papers in my notebook. I pick them all up, get comfortable on my bed and start reading them.

After reading and rereading them for an hour and a half, I can feel drops on my cheeks. I press the papers against my heart and keep my sobs as much as possible, I don't want one of my brothers to hear me.

I believe I cried and thought for another hour. I know Noah's alarm is about to ring, I get up and go straight to his room. I climb onto his bed and snuggle up to him. I feel him surprised, but quickly I am surrounded by his arms as he hugs me tightly against him.

"Did you have a nightmare?" He asks, drawing circles with his hand on my back, something mom always did to us when we were crying.

"No, it's worse. This time it's reality," I reply, sobbing.

"I don't understand." He stops and moves away from me so he can look at me as he wipes the tears.

"I would prefer this story to be just a nightmare, even if I am the monster. It is always better because at least when I wake up I know it was all false. But here, I am awake, and I know I'm someone else's nightmare," I answer, eyes closed tightly.

"You are not a monster, and you never will be," he says, wiping the remaining tears from my cheeks.

"I don't know what to do, or what to tell him. I'm just bad with him. I hate myself!" I respond, biting harshly on my lower lip.

"Don't say something like this!" He responds harshly, hugging me tight again.

"But it's the truth," I respond, looking him in the eye, while he strokes my hair.

"Who is he?" He asks, I'm about to answer, but Diego interrupts us.

"What are you doing idiot, you're going to be late. And come on, who the hell wants to be late for school?! Ava? What are you doing here?" He asks and comes to sit on the bed, taking my hand in his.

"Nothing, it's okay. Just a little nightmare. Come on, we have to go get ready. You heard the moron, he doesn't want to miss school," I reply standing up and going to prepare, acting as if nothing happened.

"I'm not a moron!" He answers laughing a little, yet I know that when I'm going to set foot outside the room, he will bombard Noah with questions to find out what happened to me.

On the way to high school, I put my headphones on, and I think. How could I face him today? Should I pretend not to have read his papers? Or should I avoid contact with him today, or forever?

As if I could...

****

After a few days, I know people are starting to wonder because apparently, I quote: I'm weirder than usual, I avoid contact with the group of guys, and then he's in a very bad mood too. He looks at me all the time, he also repels everyone as if he were PMSing. Plus, our mood swings appeared at the same time, which is fishy.

That's obviously just a coincidence.

I can't talk to him. I would blow everything up, I would probably hurt him even more, or I would just make a mistake. He deserves better. I'm just fucked up and not good for him. So I need to stay away to make him leave me, and not to ruin his life. Besides, I blame myself, I can't face him, I'm too ashamed.

ELIAS

I shouldn't have done that, I'm so stupid.

Now she avoids me, she even avoids the other boys if I'm there. Why did I think she should know it, and more, that way? Anyway now, it's too late, and I never would have had the guts to admit it in front of her. So maybe that's maybe a good thing I did it.

At least I hope.

I have to get used to the idea that she doesn't want anything to do with me, and that's why she ignores me. To make me understand that she does not want to reconnect, and be seen with me.

I have to reason. I would have liked at least to have a discussion, but apparently, she doesn't want to, and I have to respect her will.

Yet I can't pretend that it doesn't affect me. Because it really does. She really affects me. And too bad if everyone notices.

I just wish she would notice.