𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊

|37| I'm messed up

He is burning, his whole body is engulfed in flames. He's screaming at me that it's my fault, and he's right. I'm in the driver's seat, I'm the one driving the wheel. Except that we are not driving, we are not moving, just engulfed in a gigantic fire. It's hot, it hurts, but he's the one who suffers the most.

I try to reach him, but my seat belt stops me. I can't get rid of it. I am reduced to watching him burn alive, as he looks me straight in the eye, telling me it's all my fault, only mine.

My throat hurts, I can't breathe, it's over. He doesn't move anymore, his eyes are closed, in his hand, I can see his little sister's favorite teddy bear. I killed her big brother, I'm a murderer, that's what I would be forever.

Suddenly I feel like my body is suffocating, I'm going to die, yet I think it's fine with me.

However, apparently no it's not for today, as I wake up sweating and panicking. It was just a nightmare, one of the worst I have had in the last two months. It was too real, really too much. I can't breathe, I'm suffocating. I can still smell the odor, the smell of burnt flesh.

I know I have to go out, my mind is not working properly. I feel like I'm passing out and want to throw up. My vision is blurry and I am too hot.

I try to leave my room in silence, Noah doesn't wake up, fortunately. I'm lucky I didn't scream. I'm going downstairs, find a coat, put on shoes, and get out of this fucking house. I can't stay here, it's like a looping memory of this terrible nightmare. If I stay I'll go crazy, and it doesn't matter if it's raining, or if it's half past two in the morning.

My feet are working without my consent. I'm not really conscious. It's like I'm dead or still asleep, but at the same time, I'm aware that I'm awake, and walking outside in the rain with only my pajamas and a pathetic coat, that is now completely soaked just like me.

At least I'm not hot anymore, and I'm slowly catching my breath again.

I don't know how long I've been walking, but one thing is certain, I'm now crying like crazy on the side of the road sitting with my arms around my legs. If someone saw me now, they would have pity or fear.

I would bet on fear.

After weeping a lot and wandering the streets, my brain doesn't seem to calm down. I don't know why I'm doing this, but without realizing it I'm starting to text someone.

𝟹:𝟸𝟼 : 𝙰𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚔𝚎?

I don't know what I'm trying to do, but it's 3 a.m, he's obviously sleeping. Then why am I texting him instead of everyone? I could just text Levi it would be easier.

𝟹:𝟸𝟽 / 𝙴𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚜 : 𝙽𝚘 𝚠𝚑𝚢?

I don't answer, it was a bad idea. I'm a total idiot. And then why doesn't he sleep? I hope I didn't wake him up. Really I am so stupid.

𝟹:𝟹𝟸 / 𝙴𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚜 : 𝙰𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚘𝚔?

I'm still not responding, he's going to go back to sleep and will forget about it.

Bzz...

Is he trying to call me? It's better that he stops and forgets. I will definitely not answer.

Bzz...

𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚜.

Did he freaking call me three times? Is he trying again?

"Val?! What's going on? Are you okay?" He asks me in a husky but really worried voice.