GRISHAVERSE X READERS

BLOODIED MEMORIES PART 1 [KAZ BREKKER]

The rain had started coming down harder, and they walked quicker, trying to get away before they would be soaked through. They made it to the Slat, people looking over at them, frowning at an unknown girl wrapped in Jesper's coat, snuggled up beside him. It wasn't common to bring non-members to the Slat, let alone someone who nervously looked around and shuffled her feet, making it obvious she didn't belong there. Too naive for a place like this.

Nina approached the three of them, but before she could ask anything, Kaz nodded towards Y/N. "Nina, show this girl a room she can stay in."

"I'm fine, no need to do that," said Y/N, sounding stubborn. "I'm not staying here."

Kaz scoffed. "Yes, you are. You're a young girl, alone in the most dangerous territory in the whole country. I won't let you go out there alone anymore."

Y/N didn't argue anymore after that, probably knowing it's true what Kaz said. Nina frowned at Kaz's words, it was obvious he cared greatly about this unknown girl for some reason, but the look he laid on her made her not question it in front of everyone. She led Y/N upstairs and into a room that had been empty for a couple of months, after a Dreg living there had died in a shooting. Y/N nodded at Nina, and the door closed behind her. Kaz turned his eyes away from them then, slowly starting to make his way to the attic. He felt Nina's eyes on him and knew she wanted to pry and snoop, but she probably heard his heart and knew that now was not the time.

Kaz was unable to work properly that night, so instead he spent it pacing around his room. His leg hurt more than usual, and his head was swirling with memories - mostly about the day he abandoned her. Her cries and pleads echoed in his head.

Come back! Kaz, please, come back! Don't leave me here!

He shook his head, forcing the memory to subside.

What Y/N had done after she couldn't find Kaz? She had probably left the city, but where would she have gone? Had she found a family from the countryside? Was she angry at him? Angry at herself?

He slumped on his armchair after a while, his thoughts continuing to race. What did Y/N think of him? Did she hate him for abandoning her like that? Why would she try to find him if she hated him?

The night went by while he was deep in his thoughts, and finally falling to sleep on his armchair, after staring into the dimming embers of his fireplace. His dreams were restless, full of flashbacks and memories he thought he had forgotten.

So when he woke up at the morning, it felt like a relief. But it also meant that he had to see Y/N again, he had to keep pretending, and he had to find out ways how to keep his real identity as a secret. Y/N hearing someone calling him by name would be the first stop, but surely there were multiple Kazs in Kerch, not just him. She should know that too.

He ran his hand through his hair and took in a deep breath, standing up from his chair and making his way downstairs to have breakfast.

***

A few weeks had passed, and Y/N was still staying at the Slat. She admitted she liked the place, she hadn't had a proper bed or food in years - she had been living as a maid and resided in a tiny cellar of a merchant she had been working for. Her bed had been some hay and a rag as her pillow, until she had finally made her way out and bought a ride back to Ketterdam in order to find his brother. She told about Kaz, what had happened before they separated. She told about losing his other brother to the Queen's Plague, and that Kaz had begun to turn out as a completely different person who he had been before they had fought their way back to the shore together. Kaz didn't dare ask, but Nina did it for him.

"Are you still angry at him?" Nina asked.

"No," said Y/N. "But I don't understand why he left me."

Kaz frowned at the words, wondering if he should tell her the truth. He knew she wouldn't believe it, and he wasn't sure he could even bring himself to say those words to her.

Nina kept talking though, probably trying to help ease the pain Y/N felt. "Maybe he felt like he had no choice? Maybe he felt like leaving you would protect you from things he was planning to do? He never talked about having a sister, but I sensed something is pressing on him."

Y/N nodded slowly, biting her lip as tears began streaming down her face.

Kaz sighed, shifting uncomfortably. He fully knew what Nina was doing, she was trying to encourage Kaz to come forward to his sister and explain. And while Kaz reluctantly appreciated the gesture, it was clear that his guilt over leaving Y/N was more than enough of a reason to keep his secret.

But fate had other plans for him, and after a few days from that, the truth came out.

Y/N had been sad since the morning, and Kaz knew why - it was the anniversary of Jordie's death. It was a hard day for him too, even though he had learned to mask it. He sat down with Y/N at the table, looking at her thoughtfully stirring the soup with her spoon.

"You're sad today," he said simply, and she gave a nod.

"It's my brother's death anniversary, the one who died from The Queen's Plague," she replied. "It still feels so fresh on these days..."

Kaz nodded, gripping his cane at the memory. But he couldn't help but smirk as he thought of the panic and grief he put Pekka through when he got his revenge. And the words were out before he could stop them. "Pekka paid dearly for what he did to Jordie and Kaz."

Y/N stopped stirring the soup, and slowly looked up. "Wait... h-how do you know Jordie's name?"

Kaz's eyes widened as he remembered that Y/N had never mentioned Jordie by name. She had always talked about her "brothers", she hadn't mentioned Kaz by name either after learning he has died. He could have corrected it by claiming Kaz had mentioned Jordie's name once or twice, but her eyes already started to wander around his face, first time looking at him properly and not just glancing at him sometimes as he rarely talked with her - her own eyes widening after a moment, and she let go of her spoon, it clattering against the bowl. Her mouth dropped open as she looked at him. "You... you're..."

Kaz tensed, quickly standing up and making his way up the stairs, but he heard Y/N quickly following him. When he reached his room, he tried to slam the door shut behind him, but Y/N was quicker, catching the door and pushing it back wide open, marching towards Kaz and giving him a harsh push.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" she yelled.

Kaz grimaced, breathing heavily. He wasn't sure how to answer that question, not without admitting what really happened. So instead, he said the first thing that popped into his head. "You didn't ask."

"That doesn't matter! You owe it to Jordie, to me, after you abandoned me there and basically left me to die because of your own selfish, greed-driven reasons!"

"What did you expect to find?! A loving brother to embrace you, who would take care of you?" Kaz snapped. "Kaz Rietveld is dead, Y/N! You should know that after seeing what I do!"

Y/N huffed and her hands clenched into fists. "But I'm not dead! I needed to have my brother, do you have any idea how scared I was after you left me there?! I was just nine years old, and you left me to be potentially kidnapped by slavers and being sold to a pleasure house, or raped, or murdered, or all of those, because you didn't give a damn about me!" Her eyes began to tear up, but she wiped them angrily. "And all this time, I hoped you would have even tried to look for me, and if you found out where I am, then you'd come to save me from it. And you never came back for me, and when I found you, you still chose to lie! Do you even understand the damage that has been caused by you?! I was ready to forgive..." Her voice died away with a sob.

Kaz's breath hitched at the anger in Y/N's voice, and his knuckles cracked as he squeezed his cane. He spoke through gritted teeth. "I didn't lie. Your brother is dead. He isn't coming back. No matter how much you wail and beg, he's there at the bottom of the Barge with Jordie."

Y/N fell silent on that, and they stared at each other for a long while. Then Y/N sniffled, and raised her chin up. "You know what? You're right. Both of my brothers died in that Barge as far as I'm concerned."

Then, she turned around, slamming the door behind her and Kaz heard her going back to her room, slamming the door there too. Kaz knew she had begun to sob the moment she was alone, probably throwing herself on the bed and crying herself to sleep. Kaz closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in and made his way to his desk.

He had work to do, and even his sister from his past couldn't distract him.