That Way

41. Its My Fault.

I wake up only to close my eyes again as the hospital lights blind me. "Ivy!" I hear my mum gasp before she reaches for my hand. I turn and smile at her half asleep still. "Hi mummy." I say before tiredly rubbing my stomach only for my heart to stop and instantly I look at mum only for her to shake her head as tears fill her eyes, making me burst into tears, mum holds me as I scream my lungs out.

Dad and Hazel join the hug as I scream at the top of my lungs until the doctors and nurses come rushing in. "Where is he?" I ask making them look down, I look to mum as tears fall down her face. "I just wanna hold him, just once." I say making my mum hug me as I cry harder. "You've been out for almost two days, we didn't think you would make it, we couldn't keep him here any longer." The doctor says making me look at my mum as the tears fall uncontrollably.

"Did you see him?" I ask making her nod sadly and wipe my tears. "He was so beautiful baby, he looked just like you." She says making me bite my lip as I try not to cry again. "And where's Jack?" I ask.

"We had to put him into a medically induced coma, he lost a lot of blood during surgery." The doctor says making me look at him. "Can I see him?" I ask making mum object. "I don't think that's a good idea right now, he doesn't like too good." She says making stare blankly at her.

"I want to see at least one of my boys." I say making the doctor nod and go and get a wheelchair. "I've got some pictures for you if you want to see them?" Hazel says making me smile sadly and nod. I move up a little on the bed and pat the spot next to me, she jumps up and cuddles up close as she shows me all the pictures.

"Look at his little hand around mine." She says making me chuckle and choke on a sob. "His little nails." I say making her smile. "He has your eyes." She says making me smile at the all the pictures of him.

"Are you ready Miss Lewis." The nurse asks making me smile and nod, everyone helped me get into the chair, mum kisses my hand before the nurse wheels me away. "How is he doing?" I ask.

"He fought hard to stay, we lost him for a few minutes, but he came back." The nurse says making me tuck my lips as I lift my head to stop the tears. "How long till he wakes up?" I ask making them sigh. "We don't know, it's up to him." She says making me nod.

We turn around a corner and I see him all wired up, making my heart break. "My baby." I whisper as she wheels me closer and I grab his hand. "I'll leave you too alone." She smiles as she leaves the room.

"Jack." I whisper as I stroke his cold and pale face. "I need you to wake up, I can't loose both of you." I whisper as the tears fall uncontrollably. "I like the name Jackson, Jackson King Payne." I choke out as I link our fingers together. "You are gonna be the best dad one day, just not with me. I can't go through this again, I can't loose another baby and I can't loose you." I say as I slowly get up out of my wheel chair in an indescribable pain, but I climb up onto the bed and snuggle up to him.

"I love you Jack, but we were doomed from the start." I sigh before kissing his cheek and laying my head on his chest, falling asleep.