Evermore - jaylor story (peace book 2)

Flashback when you met me

-37 days old (31 weeks gestation) 2th december- 

-taylors pov- 

Today aurora is 5 weeks old and that's such a huge milestone. Her heart is sounding good, and she seems stable. The issue now is her lungs but today they are moving her from the normal cpap to the b-cpap which makes it easier to hold her. Closer to my chest in my opinion. After they switch her over, they place her on my chest, and I get to hold her close. "Hey there baby girl" I say and hold a hand on her back. 

Joe has gotten to hold her several times too, we try to hold her as much as possible because skin-to-skin is really good for babies, especially preemies. It has shown to help them in so many different ways, and it seems like it's the only thing we really can do to help her these days. So we are spending some time her with her before my mom comes to switch with us after dropping Ellie off at Abigail's house. We are listening to what my therapist said two weeks ago, spend some time together just the two of us. 

**

Walking into an empty house together feels weird, usually when we come in the door Ellie comes running but she isn't here. "it's so quiet" I say and laugh. "it's so weird" joe says, and I agree. 

We go into the empty living room and sit down with the lunch we bought on the way home, we figured that we would use the time to eat and just talk and cuddle. It was actually hard to figure out what we were supposed to do together because we are so used to spend all our times with one of the kids these days. 

"I love our kids Taylor. But I needed to just be you and me for a bit" he says and tilt my head, so I kiss him before we start to eat our food. "I agree. I'm really nervous to leave both of them, I feel terrible. But I've missed us. I love you so much. We have been through so much over the years, but what has stayed the same is the fact that we are a team. But that has been lacking lately and that made me sad" I tell him honestly. 

"I know you feel bad to leave them, I do too. But we need some time to connect again, it's just so important for both of them. we need to be a team to be the best parents we can. "He says and caress my cheek which makes me smile. I have these butterflies in my stomach that I've always had when he touches me. It's been over seven years together, but he still makes me feel like I might fly from how many butterflies he gives me. 

"You know. If we look back in time, at the first time our eyes meet at that party, I knew I just had to know you. But I never thought we would be here all these years later with two kids and married. I thought I had such a complicated life that no one would want to be with me like this---" 

** flashback april 2016** NB: TRIGGER WARNING FOR SOME EATING DISORDER THOUGHTS

I really don't want to go to this party, but lily is insisting so I guess I should go. I'm just not feeling good these days, but it's not a huge surprise if you think about how my life is. I'm trapped in a relationship that makes me want to die and I see no way out. It feels like this is where I'm going to be forever, and I've tried to accept that. Adam can be nice sometimes, he isn't most of the time, but I guess that's just how love is. Aren't you supposed to take the good with the bad? Isn't that how it works? For better or for worse and all that crap. 

I'm dressed in a little black dress and my hair is straighten like I've been doing a lot these last couple of years. For the Grammy's I cut my hair really short, which was fine it's just hair after all and it will grow out. But now my hair is bleached blond, and I don't like it. I did it for a vouge shoot but I regret ever doing it. People are calling it bleachella which has a nice ring to it, but it just doesn't feel like me. It feels like I'm walking around in a costume for the sake of people noticing me.