Evermore - jaylor story (peace book 2)

this needs intervention

-three day old (26 weeks gestation)- 

-taylors pov- 

I actually get there just in time for the doctor to come back with a cardiologist by his side and I take joes hand as we stand by her bedside. 

"The tests are all back, and there is an issue to be addressed. She has something called patent ductus arteriosus, otherwise referred to as PDA. It's a persistent opening between the two major blood vessels leading from the heart. The opening is a normal part of a baby's circulatory system in the womb, but it usually closes shortly after birth. Auroras isn't getting smaller, its actually growing slightly which is causing problem." the cardiologist, dr White, goes on to explain what happens when a large PDA is left untreated. It can allow poorly oxygenated blood to flow into the wrong direction, weakening the heart muscle and causing heart failure and other complications. 

It's hard to take in what she is saying. It sounds so scary and complicated. Hearing everything that can go wrong if its left untreated is scary and I feel like I want to sink into the ground and hide from the world. "Can I ask what caused this?" I will never forgive myself if I did something wrong during my pregnancy that caused this. 

"Being premature is a risk factor for this, especially when they are as early as aurora. We suggest watching it for a few more days and make sure it doesn't get any bigger. If it1s still this big, or she starts to have more symptoms by 7 days old it's probably time for another kid of intervention." she tells us, and I get her to explain the options for treatment. Aperently its between medication and surgery depending on how big the duct is over time. 

Its big news to take in and I just feel like a terrible human. It feels even worse knowing that there is nothing I can do to help her with this. It might stay stable or get better, but it might get worse, and she will need surgery. This feeling of hopelessness is killing me inside, I feel like such a failure. If I had been able to carry her closer to term maybe she wouldn't be having all these problems. It feels like it's all my fault. 

** four days later – 7 days old (27 weeks' gestation) **

Things have been getting worse with aurora and it's gotten to the point that I refuse to leave the hospital at all. I know that its making Ellie really nervous and its making joe mad because he feels like I should go home and get some sleep, that we should continue to trade off time here. But I flat our refuse. To make things better for Ellie she comes and visits every day but it's not the same and she cries when she has to leave. I feel like a terrible mother that I can't be there for her right now, but I also can't make myself leave auroras side. It's hard enough to even leave her long enough to go to the bathroom. 

Today they have been doing more tests to figure out what the next course of treatment is, and joe and I are sitting in silence waiting for the doctors to come in and tell us the news. Its nerve-wracking, I feel like I'm going to pass out from the nerves. It doesn't help that joe and I aren't really talking either these days. Most of the time its silence between us. He is frustrated with me, and I know that, but I can't deal with his feelings right now. Is this selfish of me? Absolutely but I don't know what to do. 

The doctors come into the door, but there is a third doctor this time that introduce herself as dr Peterson, a pediatric heart surgeon and that drain the color from my face. 

"I can see you two are nervous, so I'm going to get straight to the point. Her PDA isn't getting better, and it's now causing her heart to have signs of heart failure so we recommend surgery as soon as possible to prevent heart damage. Her blood pressure in her lungs is also high so we don't recommend medication at this point. We highly recommend surgery" she says and tears well in my eyes.