Evermore - jaylor story (peace book 2)

shopping

-September 5rd" 

-taylors pov- 

Today is a bizzy day, I'm going to therapy and then joe Ellie and I are going to the mall together. That stuff still stresses me out, but we wanted to have an outing together and shop some stuff for the new baby. Ellie is also turning three in a couple of days, so we are looking for a party outfit for her. Her presents are already wrapped and all that so it's just the outfit missing. 

Joes' family is coming over from London tomorrow, and Selena is flying in as well as Blake, Ryan and the kids. Of course Abigail, Claire and Lilly are coming too as well as my family, but they all live here. Except for my dad, he is also flying in from Tampa. After my parents divorced, he moved there. 

"So how are you feeling these days Taylor" Rachel says after I sit down in her office. 

"it's.. It's both light and dark at the same time these days. Things are well at home, but I just feel like there is another shoe that is going to drop soon. I feel like there is always something that will go wrong. And I'm really emotional too so that's hard. The baby will be here in 22 weeks, and I feel a lot of the same guilt I felt when I was pregnant with Ellie" 

I still feel like a bad human for bringing a child into this crazy life I have. There are stalkers that show up at all our properties every once in a while, we can't go anywhere without security and there is always something about one of us in the headlines. All in all, it's really exhausting. 

"Is it hard for you to accept that things can be good?" she asks, and I sigh. "I guess, I just feel like I will wake up one day and this will have just been a dream, I don't feel like I deserve any of it. I feel like I can't do anything right, there is always something I'm doing that's wrong" 

She notes what I'm saying, "can you name some things that are good in your life right now?" she asks, and I take some time to think. "There are several things. Ellie is growing into her own and I love who she is, we are having a new baby, joe and I are doing good, friends and family are coming over for Ellies birthday party. I've had a lot of success in my job these days" I list several things that are good. 

"And what are some things that are not going the way you want them to?" she says, and I think again "well... I feel really guilty that I'm putting my children into a world where the world is watching them. I can't let my daughter out of the house without at least two security guards because people could try to get her because of who I am. If she leaves the house, there is a risk of her face being everywhere and that's my fault. I lost the baby last time and I still feel like it's my fault. I feel like a bad wife because joe doesn't have the peace in his life that I wish I could give him. I'm re-recording my stuff, but I'm upset that I ever even had to do it at all" I go on a long rant about everything I'm doing that fells wrong. "I just hate feeling like I'm out of control with stuff. I want to feel like I can control wants going on in my life because it lessens the anxiety and stress" 

"What are some things you are doing to make the best out of those situations?" she asks another question, and I haven't thought about it in that way before. "With the re-recordings I'm actually doing it and taking back my power from Scott and scooter. I'm living in Nashville because there aren't paparazzi here so that gives joe and Ellie some sense of normalcy at least. We have put Ellie in dance classes to get her around other kids that have normal lives and aren't kids from our celebrity friends. Joe says that he doesn't blame me for the papz, and I should believe him. I have security with my daughter so she is safe when she leaves the house" when I start talking, I see that I am actually doing stuff that I hope is making up for the bad stuff that I can't control or is in the way of us living our best lives. 

"So you're doing a lot to make the best out of your situation. With every point you said was bad you have a solution, and you seem to be thriving in it. Your daughter seems like a happy kid, your husband says that he is happy with you, you are getting your daughter around other kids her age, you're re-recording and living in Nashville. There are so many things you are doing to take control over the things you feel out of control of." she points out and I take some time to think about that one. Am I really doing that? When she puts things that way I can see where she is coming from. Maybe I'm really making the best out of my situation?