Evermore - jaylor story (peace book 2)

therapy

-taylors pov- 

Getting Ellie back in her routine has been a nightmare this last week. The tantrums have gotten really bad, and she whines about everything clearly resisting this. But joe and I are really consistent about it, but it breaks my heart seeing her like this, so I often need to excuse myself from the room to go and cry. 

"Okay Ellie, mommy is leaving but will be back in a bit okay" I say and kiss her head and head for the door, but she isn't having it at all "No mommy don. Mommy!" she screams at the top of her lungs so I kneel down at her level and take her small hands in mine "mommy needs to go, but I will be back in a bit and then we can have snuggle time. Until then you get to play with daddy. How about you draw me a picture you can show me when I get home, wouldn't that be fun?" 

She clings to me, but joe comes and pick her up "wave bye bye to mommy. We will see her later" joe holds a wiggly and crying Ellie, but I take a deep breath and wave at her "mommy loves you, see you later. Bye bey" I say and leave the house. It hurts to leave when she is like that but hopefully eventually she will settle with it and go back to her usual self. 

I'm going to my first therapy appointment today and feel like shit about it, I really don't want to go. It feels like a huge mistake. What if something leaks about my issues? What will people think when they find out how fucked I am in the head?

The drive there feels like an eternity but eventually I park my car and go inside, security is in a follow car like usual but keep outside of the building. The waiting room is mostly empty, and I go up to the front desk "appointment for Mrs. Alwyn" I say quietly not wanting to draw attention to myself. I've already made arrangements that I'm to come in right as the appointment time is and they will take me back right away, so I don't need to sit in the waiting room. So she shows me to the psychologist's office. 

"Hi, I'm Rachel Clark, it's nice to meet you Mrs. Alwyn. You can call me Rachel" she says and motion for me to sit down on her couch after shaking my hand. "Hi, that's me. And you can call me Taylor" 

I'm really nervous as I sit down, I really don't want to be here. "so Taylor, there are many reasons why someone seek therapy, what sorts of issues has been going on with you" she says and take out a notepad. 

"Well, there is a number of reasons that have all added up in me just breaking down. I... I recently had a miscarriage and I think that was the final drop that caused me to... Break just a little. But there has been a lot of leadup of things haven't really delt with properly. I've put everything into this pretty little box and not dealt with it. The way I've even remotely begun to unravel it is by making music, but clearly that's not even working anymore" I say and fiddle with my fingers. 

"What sort of breakdown did you have?" 

I take a second if I want to say, I feel so embarrassed by my behavior. "I just shut down and spent a week in bed without talking, eating or drinking. I feel really bad about it because my daughter has been struggling as a result of that. And my husband has been trying to deal with both of us and that have caused a lot of tension." 

We go on to talk about my family, how the dynamics are and what my husband and daughter is like. I love talking about my daughter because I'm so proud of her, but I also feel weird talking about her with someone I really don't know as I don't want things to get out there. We have been really private in regard to everything about my daughter. The public don't even know her name yet, we want to give her as much normalcy as we can. 

"I do feel a lot of guilt regarding her. That my job is making her life more difficult and abnormal. That's a huge insecurity and guilt thing for me. It's an ongoing problem that just seems to add another things to my shoulders." I tell her honestly. Even after all this time I feel like that. I feel like a burden and that there are other people out there more fit to parent her.