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||58|| ''I don't want to run anymore.''

58

~~~~~~~~~~

The sun rose the next morning, as it should. The woods were silent, as they should. But my mind wasn't. The nagging that came and went whenever triggered was more constant ever since last night. There was guilt again. And hesitation. And memories.

A warm hand.

The feel of a coarse suit jacket.

Brown eyes.

Sad eyes.

Dead eyes.

I let out a groan and punched straight into the ground beneath me. Pulling out my hand, I brushed the dirt off on my jeans. Those thoughts weren't supposed to come back. They had been gone, and if not gone then neatly tucked away at the back of my mind. They hadn't had the opportunity to bother me.

Now, they did. More than bother, they started tearing at the seams of my composure, of my peace.

Grumbling in frustration, I started pacing back and forth, pulling my fingers through my messy hair. Why did he have to show up? Why did he have to come and make me... make me... I struggled with the word, because I didn't want to believe it. All those things, they were supposed to be gone. But they were coming back. Damnit, they were coming back. And I didn't know how to be rid of them.

What had happened when he touched my hand and spoke those words, I couldn't forget. It kept bubbling up, and every time I drowned them they managed to resurface.

He had looked so upset that I... that I...

No.

I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything.

Reaffirming myself over and over again, all it seemed to do was rile me up more. I tore roots from the ground trying to free some of the explosive energy, I grabbed the ring on my finger that now only reminded me of the moment he gave it to me and started sliding it off, only to remember that if I did, the sun would end me.

I wasn't sad.

I wasn't sad.

I wasn't...

Collapsing in a heap on the ground, breathing heavily, I grabbed my head between my hands trying to force it all out. Without success, of course. What could I do to stop it? There had to be something. I hadn't gone through the trouble of shutting myself off for nothing. I couldn't let it go back to how it was before.

Jumping to my feet again, I set off running through the woods, back and forth, not too far so I ended up too close for comfort again. All in an effort to release the built up energy sizzling inside, feeling like it was ready to blow up.

Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn.

I cursed over and over, in my mind and out loud, but everything I did only seemed to make it worse. It wouldn't stop, I wouldn't calm down.

Crying out in a surge of almost rage, I kicked a twig on the ground hard enough to break off part of a tree trunk further away.

''You don't want to be found, don't howl like a bloody mutt,'' a voice rang out from nowhere, and I twisted and turned to find the source.

Rebekah trudged towards me, looking vexed. ''Do you have any idea how bothersome this is?'' she asked. ''These shoes were brand new.''

I took a step back, eyeing her angrily. Angrily. There was no more of that, I told myself, but in vain. ''What are you doing here?''