Darkness Visible ➳ TVD ✔️

||33|| ''Fine, I killed him. And maybe I regret it. A little. Not so much.''

33 🖤👀
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Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries, only my own characters and plots.

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TW: POSSIBLE NEED FOR A TRIGGER WARNING  eg: panic attacks, overthinking etc...

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After a night at the hospital, blood-works, an EEG, and a bunch of other tests, I was sent home with my mother the next day; medically fine but with a terrible headache and a heavy tiredness. They called it an extreme case of chronic fatigue. Hadn't I been working so much and being out of the house more than before, I don't think mom would've bought it. Maybe she didn't – but in that case she didn't let it show.

Three days later, and I was still stuck in bed. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't.

I was angry, I supposed. And trapped by a heavy blanket of hopelessness I couldn't get up from under. What could I ever do to help if every single time something horrible happened I was completely immobilised? If when someone tried to help me, they were struck down by something I obviously couldn't muster up the strength to control?

I tried not to think of myself as a liability. I did. But the thought kept crawling back into my mind, slithering like vines through cracked brick walls, grabbing hold of my sanity and refusing to let go.

My mother was worried. Whatever it was that I had started to build up shielding me from everyone had been completely torn down, and whenever she came close to me she became me and there wasn't anything left of me.

Every time my phone rang I let it ring. Every time someone came to the door, I heard it open and then shut. No one ever came up.

The thought of what I'd done played over and over in my head, dragging me deeper and deeper into the pit of despair I'd dug myself into. Would I ever forgive myself? I didn't even know if she was okay. She had to be. She'd just passed out, that's all. She would be okay. My hand started twitching. She would be okay. Tremors went through my arms, down to my abdomen. She would be okay. My whole body was shaking, and I grabbed a pillow, hugging it tightly to my chest.

I couldn't breathe. My throat hurt. My head. Everything.

These past couple of days I'd had several attacks just like this one. Before and after, I always knew they'd stop eventually. When I was right in the middle of it, it was like time had stopped. Nothing... nothing was. I wasn't.

All I had to do was breathe, that's what I'd been told. In through your nose and out your mouth. But I couldn't. Eventually, the body decided on its own to take in enough air. The shaking and tension would subside and I would breathe again.

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''You need to eat, honey.''

''I know. I'm trying.''

My mother lowered the bowl in her hands and looked at me with sad eyes. ''I just hate seeing you like this.''

I hadn't told her about Elena. How could I? At first the thought my collapsing was because of the chaos that erupted at the ceremony. Which, of course, was partly true. But, telling her about all the rest – of course draping it in some clever lies and omissions – wouldn't work. First, I didn't have the energy to even try a somewhat believable lie. Second, even if I tried, she would be able to tell I wasn't honest. Third... I didn't want to talk about what happened. That didn't mean that I wanted to forget it, either; but I didn't know how to deal with it. How do deal with the anger simmering deep inside of me.