Sebastian's journal
18/5/14
She loves me.
Don't lie to yourself Sebastian.
She hates you.
She despises you.
She thinks you're twisted, just as Clary does.
"No!" I had yelled at the despicable thoughts that provoked vexation within me. The wrath of my own reasoning and view corrupted by nothing other than the displeased demon blood that flowed through my veins and heart.
It was a constant war, a battle within myself for me to come out of all this mess. The pressure on my body weakened me, but I can't show weakness. Not even love; it was a weakness within itself. Father had brought me up not to show weakness, to not show the pain I was feeling.
The scars on my back are the only visible pain I have experienced. The rest was internal, as the demon blood fights to overtake my body from me fully. I can feel something foreign within me, there is temptation to pull at my pale skin and pull every single drop of the alienated blood out.
I don't want to be controlled, but the desire to survive was enough that I let it have control over me. I am the one looking through the keyhole but unable to do anything as the key controlled which way I might turn.
I have never had any control over myself - all my life - until now. When I saw her on the corner of that street.
She'd looked so panicked, like she was running from something. I wanted to help but my body didn't.
"We can use her." I had enticed it with thoughts of having a small distraction from everything once in a while.
It bought into it easily and I felt accomplished as we pulled her into that alley.
If only had I known the life I had to come, the life I'd always wanted.
Sebastian x
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