Fate and Plans (Engineering Student #6)

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter 14

I feel like I am such a burden in this world... in this house... and it's so hard to take it all. People don't understand me, and I don't think they will ever understand me. At some point in my life, I wish I could disappear from this world... or even just this place. It's just so painful, this house doesn't feel like home anymore. Mommy, Daddy, I know my limitations, my capabilities, please let me enjoy my life.

God knows I am trying my best, but nothing goes my way. My parents are always disappointed at me. They are now pointing out my mistakes and disappointments. I want them to know I am trying hard to meet their expectations to me. Can they just give me a break?

I've always wanted to feel their love, but maybe I don't deserve it. I am not like Kuya who always make them proud. Even though I am not excelling at class, sometimes, my parents are supportive of me. I know they will accompany me in any situation. I also have friends whom I know will always be there for me. But... I never speak up about my problems to anyone, not because I don't trust them, but because I am not courageous enough to tell them how I feel. Now that I got the courage... this happens, and it sucks. Maybe... they're right. Ako ang problema.

Umaasa pa rin ako na baka magbago ang isipan nila Mommy at Daddy kahit na malabo. Ayoko na rin i-open pa ang topic na iyon sa kanila. Pagod na rin ako. I will just... go with the flow.

"Ang daya mo, Keziah! You promised!" Thalia shouted. Nagpalinga-linga ako at biglang nahiya. Nasa plaza kaming magkakaibigan at na-open ko sa kanya iyong pinag-usapan namin nila Mommy. Nawalan na rin ako ng gana na mag-aral sa Manila. Para saan pa? Hindi ko naman na makukuha ang kursong gusto ko eh.

"I'm sorry. Nawalan na rin kasi ako ng gana na hindi Fine—"

"Ang sabihin mo gusto mo lang makasama ang boyfriend mo kaya mananatili ka rito sa Pangasinan!" nanlaki ang mga mata ko at agad na umiling. Akala ko nagbibiro lang si Thalia pero kita ko ang pamumula ng mukha niya at parang galit na talaga. I tried to reach her hand, but she refused. Mas lalo akong namutla.

"G-gusto ko rin kayo makasama kaso kasi mahirap ang Architecture na course kaya d-dito na lang ako sa malapit at may makakatulong sa akin... si Kuya kasi medyo magkaparehas—"

"Wow! So, hindi ka namin matutulungan gano'n?" I shook my head. That's not what I meant. Magsasalita pa lang sana ako nang unahan niya ako.

"Talkshit ka rin eh ano, Zia?" my eyes widened. Hindi ako makasalita. Masyado rin akong nasasaktan. Wala rin kasi akong magawa eh. Walang makakatulong sa akin sa pag-aaral kung nasa Manila ako. Ayos lang sa akin kung Fine Arts pero kasi Architecture ang kursong kukuhanin ko. Kung doon ako mag-aaral, sino ang tutulong sa akin? Si Thalia, med-course. Sina Debbie at Angela business-related naman. Hindi ko man aminin pero mahihirapan talaga ako. Iniisip ko pa nga lang ngayon hirap na hirap na ako. Paano na lang kaya kung mag-isa ko pa?

"Ay, oo nga palagi ka pa lang talkshit eh. Noong high school pa." Tumayo siya, sinundan ko siya ng tingin at no'ng nakita kong nagmartsa siya paalis ay tumayo na rin ako at hinabol siya.

Angela and Debbie are just watching us. Sinulyapan ko sila, nagbabakasakali na tulungan nila akong pakalmahin si Thalia.