KINGSLAYER

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Jaylah stared at the rug on the ground. "Good. It is important to have people around that want only the best for you."

"I can't wait to finally have some."

"I..." She licked her lips, feeling like a complete fool. "I lied to you. That day. I had to say hurtful things so that you would leave and be out of harm's way. I never meant a single one, and I am sorry that I made you feel unwanted."

"Oh. We're doing this here." Unimpressed, he raised his brows. "It's fine. I don't care."

"You do. I know you do because of the things you said that day." She dared a step forward to prove her point; it was second nature to want to be nearer to him now. "I want you to know that I appreciate it and your sentiments are returned."

Alexander gave a violent snort. When he leveled a cool gray gaze to her, she found she could not hold it. "You can't even say it aloud. Grow some balls, will you?"

Jaylah squeezed her eyes closed, already humiliated, and opened them again. "I wish things were different between us. I miss talking with you for hours about foolish, ridiculous things. My engagement to the Czarevich was nothing but a political ploy; if it was my decision, if Ermalai was not holding so much over my head, it never would have happened at all."

"Yeah, it sure seemed like you hated it when you were fawning all over him. You poor, poor thing."

Jaylah shifted her weight; her legs were so weak these days. Her whole body was. Her knee brushed the corner of the duvet on his bed. She swallowed hard, remembering all too well what had taken place here. Alexander's voice, gentle and undone, his hands in her hair. She had assured he would never be that open with her again, and that reality made her limbs buzz in desperation.

"I never cared for him," she insisted, finally looking him in the eyes and praying he saw that she was not lying, that she never wanted to lie to him again. "I only had to pretend I did for the stability of our nations' very fragile alliance. It is not a new occurrence that I must hide my true feelings. I wish I never had to say those hurtful things. You are not beneath me. In fact, I fear I am the one who is not enough for you."

He shrugged. "Probably." He said it with all the interest of someone reading the dinner specials. "I suppose we'll never find out."

Knowing she was losing him yet too weak to save her ego, Jaylah's shoulders sagged down ever so slightly. "I would have chosen you. I still will, even though you are leaving." When he had no reaction, she burst out, "Please say something real. I know you do not truly feel this unaffected."

Turning away from the window, Alexander threw up his hands. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to humiliate myself for you again? I have no way of knowing whether you're telling the truth or if you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. I don't believe you really feel the same way, so it's seeming like the latter." Jaylah's face dropped into a deeper frown and she nearly retorted back before he interrupted her with a defeated sigh, returned to a shred of his true self at last. "I want you in every sense of the word. I do. But you'll only want me until there's someone that can give you much more than I can or someone more interesting or easier to be around or funnier."

"No one can. No one is." Taken aback, Jaylah shook her head. "You believe I am that shallow? You think I would throw you away so easily?"

"Well, you did it pretty fucking fast before," he pointed out,  wrapping his arms loosely around himself. "We were finally starting to get along, and you were laughing at things I said, and you were telling me those pretentious stories you like so much. And then you kissed me, and I thought oh, maybe it could happen. But then you..." He looked away, visibly shutting down again. "It doesn't matter. I don't care if you led me on. You don't owe me shit. But don't insult me by trying to do it a second time. I think...I deserve more than being your backup choice."

"You do. Of course you do. But you are not my backup choice."

"Well, what would you call it? You only want me because you can't have Morokov anymore." He let his arms fall. The rest of his injuries had healed spectacularly, but his knuckles were still a mess of scabbed red and black stitches. "Did you ever feel anything for me? Or do we both just want things we can't have?"

Jaylah's heart dropped to the floor when she realized he would never believe her, they would never again have the same amount of trust they used to. How could she drag this out any further? What was she even fighting for? It was not as if he would stay even if they made up, and she did not want him to. Jaylah wanted him to have the peace he sought, peace he would never have if he was with her.

Alexander passed her to open the door, a crystal clear dismissal. "Maybe I'll send a postcard sometime. But I wouldn't count on it."

Chewing her lip, Jaylah gave a nod and left the way he wanted her to. It went exactly as she expected, as she wanted. So why did she feel so close to tears?

She turned down a long hall peppered with courtiers all sneaking glances at her. It was nothing new for her to be scrutinized by them, but this time felt different. For once, she did not get the sense they were preying on her death. War had changed everyone, even those who had not seen any bloodshed.

There was rapid movement from the side. Jaylah's guards jerked forward, mirroring her expectation that this was an assassination attempt. But the woman crumpled with her knees to the floor before they could grasp her. "Thank you," she was saying, her face angled toward the floor. Tears dripped onto the marble. "You saved us."

Her mind made slow by emotional upheaval, Jaylah said, "What?"

The woman looked up to her with shiny eyes. "The explosion that destroyed our land. They're saying you stopped it before it could sink all of Oceana into the sea. I don't know how you did it...but I wanted to thank you."

Jaylah ducked her head, wondering at the idea that she had done something like that. Her hazy memories certainly had not told her. "Anything for Oceana."