Morons and Monarchs

Chapter Fifty-Four: Viviendel🌼

I watch in fascination at the flower.

Not a honeysuckle.

Not a honeysuckle.

We would never have been a match-

Then why does it hurt so bad?

It is illegal, I finally decree to myself, to feel such emotions that one should never feel.

I am not even crying. I wish Anul killed me. I deserve it. I killed Ea. The least she could have done is avenged death by death, she

She could have saved me. But this is better, I guess. It is better to live with the fact that I KILLED HIM, than die with the shame of my acts. It is better to live with this than die without it.

He never deserved death, he deserved a life with his soulmate- of which is not me. SOmebody who could care for him and love him and take care of him... not me, who would have had to hide him in a closet each time I saw him.

I wonder what he would say if he saw me.

Would he comment on my dress, would he hum 'our' song, would he just ignore me. The lattermost option would be the smartest, but Ea was never a smart person. Neither was I, for that matter.

I pluck the flower from the ground, carrying it the rest of the way.

Earlier, I decided to take all of their flowers to a graveyard to properly be buried except the one who hurt his wife. So far, I only have the one girl done.

Ea's turn.

I didn't want them to be trampled by the guards about to do their early-morning patrols per usual, I didn't want them to be forgotten forever. THey didn't deserve that.

I dig my hands into the ground, feeling the soft dirt caress my blood-soaked hands. I start to dig, my fingertips already scabbing over and the dirt stopping the blood from continuing its decent down my palm.

My forearms are buried, and soon I am scractching at the ground, my tears mingling with the earths musty smell. Salt mixed with dust.

Leaves start to grow, blocking my way from digging far enough for the roots. My fault again.

My fault. My tears fault.

My fault.

Everything is my fault.

Everything is because of me.

Everything is ruined because of me.

I yank at the vines, I yank and tear and shred with talons I never had. My tears still soaking the dirt and more vines snaking across its fleshy parts, I yell at them and they just come up to wrap around me. They snake around my entire body until I cant move, they stay there as I scream and scream and scream and scream and yell and yell and yell and scream and yell until my lungs are burning and no air is coming out, only gasps followed by long inhales of which I get nothing but the smell of old flowers.

I retch against the flowers, curling and uncurling, kicking my legs, pushing my arms, pulling my head back and forth. Repetitive motion. My hand still a vise-like grip around Ea.

The only thing I have left of Ea.

He is dead because I cant be a true member of the Grand Revolt. Because I have no courage. Because I am a coward. He is dead because I refused to go against societal norms. He is dead because of me, because my hands found a dagger, a dagger I later found concealed on his body.

That dagger is now stripped to my lower leg, just as Bayou had taught me.

Bayou, who left me here, thinking I would take care of his friends.

I only killed one in the process and made the others hate me.

It was me.

It was all me.

I yank again at the vines- still no improvement- before relaxing. Trying to bring my arm up to cradle his flower to my chest.

I can't move still.

What if I wouldn't have killed him? What if I never even had a dagger in my hand? What if Freyja was never my mother and I was never introduced to those blasted Queens? What if they never made that deal with me? What if I never agreed? What if I had revolted?

Would he still be alive? Or did Fate plan this all along.

No, fate couldn't have done this on purpose.

Fate is nice, he gives people nice things like a soulmate who was meant to be. A family who was always meant to be yours. A friend who will always be there. He doesn;t determine death.

"Ea," I say to the stars. "What are you doing right now? Without me? Are you training somebody else? Who won't kill you? Who knows their timing and wont gaze at your chest the entire time?" A void laugh. "Are you happy up there?" A butterfly floats down and lays on my shoulder, I want to flick it off, but I can't.

My lip quivers. "I know you are mad at me, Ea." I try again, staring at that same, new star. "But can you answer me?" The star falls.

I gasp, trying to move again, but only manage to frighten the butterfly to the pint where it abandoned its perch to move to my nose. One of my tears meet its legs, and it flicks the water off, putting a few droplets on my forehead.

"Hello," I say in way of greeting. "Can you go get Ea?"

The butterfly shakes its head.

"He is already here, Viviendel. You just can't see him." A voice in my head tells me, and the butterfly flies off.

It is only after that that I realize I knew that voice.

It was Araceli.