When the dead roam - (Daryl Dixon)

Chapter 70 - I can't

Death has all kinds of effects on someone. The actuality of loosing somebody that you loved can cause even the strongest person to crumble. In her life, Louise had lost more people than she could count but it was still the thing that she feared the most. She had a plan for her daughter. An ideology of what her life should have been but it was stolen from her; ripped out from underneath her nose by the very person who should have protected her. What hope does anybody have, if their guardian is the one they should fear?

Louise stood in front of her brother. Her hands were shaking and her eyes were glassed over but she couldn't afford to back down.

"I thought...I thought that I could do this Shaun but I can't" she said quickly. "I'm sorry, I just can't"

He stepped towards her but she stepped backwards. "What do you mean?"

"I mean...every time I look at you, I see her. Every time you speak, all I can hear is her screaming and every time I open my eyes and I see you standing there, I wish it was her" she sighed, wiping her eyes. "You get to live, Shaun. You get to live and she's gone...and I'm never gonna get her back and I hate you for it. I hate you so much"

He shifted on his feet and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You don't even know what you've taken away from me..."

"Lou"

"Every day, I wake up sick to my stomach because I' m never gonna get to see her grow up, or have her first boyfriend, her husband, children of her own. It's all gone because...you decided that she wasn't worth keeping alive"

"I loved her Louise"

"Love?" she scoffed, raking her hands through her hair as she paced back and forth. "What do you even know about love, Shaun?"

"I know that I loved my niece" he snapped. "More than anything!"

"And yet you threw her to the 'walkers' like was a means to an end" she yelled. "You know, when I was taken with Maggie and Carol. Carol said that faith got her through the death of her daughter but...I don't have faith, Shaun. I don't have that. I don't have anything to get me through it"

He sighed heavily. "She was never gonna make it in this world, Louise"

"You never gave her the chance!"

"She would have died one way or the other! Whether it was a year ago or ten years from now, she would have died!"

"You were supposed to protect her!"

"NO! YOU WERE!" he shouted, squaring up to the small female. His dark eyes glared down at her, no ounce of sorrow or pain or even love resided inside them.

"I TRUSTED YOU!" she screamed, tears streaming down her face. "I trusted you to look after her. She trusted you!"

"Well, then I guess the jokes on you" he spat. "At the end of the day, when this entire town has burned to the ground and the dead have taken over, I'll be the only one left standing because I know what I have to do to survive"

She brought her hand up and slapped him across the face, leaving a bright red hand print on his right cheek. Shaun made no attempt to cover the fresh mark; instead, he scoffed and shook his head at his younger sister.

"You need to leave"

He scoffed and shook his head. "Fine"

"No, Shaun" she sighed. "I mean you need to leave Alexandria"

Shaun stopped by the door, his fingers laced around the handle. He turned his head to face her. "What?"

"I can't live here, knowing that you're around. I can't trust you around the people I love"

"You can't just force me to leave, Lou. Where am I gonna go?"

"I don't know, the Hilltop, stay out there, I don't care" she said, crossing her arms. "But you can't stay here"

Shaun removed his hand from the door nob briefly before changing his mind, quickly pulling it open and slamming it shut behind him. Lou gasped and covered her face with her hands. Tears puddled in her palms quickly as she sobbed uncontrollably and dropped to a crouch on her living room floor. All of her blood relatives were dead; or at least, dead to her, and she couldn't fathom the idea of being alone anymore. Nobody could survive alone anymore.

"Hey!" Aaron whispered, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his chest. "You're alright, it's okay"

"No" she cried. "It's not okay, it's not"

He rubbed her back and nodded towards Eric, who stood watching in the door way. The couple had been listening from the kitchen, waiting for a moment to interject. Neither of them had ever seen her cry, Louise was supposed to be strong - a leader - but as she sobbed in his arms it was becoming increasingly clear that she was no different to anybody else. She was human.

Louise had never mourned her daughter. She had never been able to close the wound and allow it time to heal. All of her emotions had been bottled up inside her chest and now, they were flooding out of her quicker than they had arrived.

"I lost her" she said softly. "I lost her"

"I know..."

"I didn't protect her and now she's gone"

He sighed and held her, a hand placed on the back of her head. "I know...I know, I'm sorry"

- - - - - - - - -

The next morning, Louise had woken alone. The left side of the bed, where Daryl had - more often than not - resided, had grown cold and his clothes had been retrieved from the floor. She was once again left alone with her thoughts and she hated nothing more. Reluctantly, she forced herself up from the mattress and grabbed her clothes from the foot of the bed.

The woman in the mirror was unfamiliar. Sure, their features were exactly the same but Louise had no idea who was staring back at her. Her hands gripped the edge of the bathroom sink, turning her knuckles white and her palms cold. The skin around her eyes was bright red and no matter how hard she had scrubbed in the shower, a light layer of dirt still clung to her body. She filled her hands with water and splashed it over her face before patting it dry.

"Get a grip" she mumbled to herself as she dropped the towel into the damp ceramic bowl.

With a heavy sigh, she grabbed her leather jacket from the toilet lid and tied it around her waist.

"Hey" Aaron said quietly, leaning up the door frame. "Daryl's gone"

"What do you mean, gone?"

"Someone said he left this morning. He went to find those Saviours that killed Denise. Carol's gone too...said she couldn't fight anymore"

"Okay" she sighed. "I'll go find him"

"No, Lou, you can't. Maggie...she's sick"

Louise locked eyes with him, the sudden urge to protect Maggie and the baby, kicking in. "Sick?"

"Yeah, a group of us are going to take her to the Hilltop. She needs to see a doctor" he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Okay, I'll be down in a minute" she plastered a fake smile across her face and slid past him. The floorboards croaked underneath her weight as she walked across the hall.

"You did the right thing" he said after her. She stopped. "For all of us, Lou. Shaun...he couldn't be trusted"

"Maybe...but I just lost the only member of my family that I had I left" Louise cleared her throat and looked at her feet. "I'm all alone"

Aaron shook his head. "Family isn't blood, you always said that."

She closed her eyes tightly, took a deep breath and nodded at her friend.

"I'm your family" he continued. "You're my family. You're my best friend, Lou and you're not alone"

Louise turned to look at him, tears brimming her eyes as she pulled him into a hug and wrapped her arms around his torso. "Thank you"