heal// 5SOS

36

tw/ psych ward
Sage

"Are you gonna be okay? Do I need to bring you anything?"

"I'll make sure you know everything you need to know when we go to the office," Dr Fahri said, "Mark will help Sage settle in,"

"Oh, okay. Thank you,"

Luke hugged me tightly and kissed my head, then awkwardly stepped away and adjusted his coat.

"Do I er... just leave you then?"

"Yeah,"

"Right... okay. I will make sure to let you know about Rider,"

"I won't have my phone,"

"Oh, yeah,"

"You can give us a call," Dr Fahri said, "And you can visit. Let's go and do the paperwork,"

When they left my room, I giggled a bit, Mark giving me a smile. Luke was so awkward sometimes, and I probably shouldn't have been laughing in a situation like this, but I'd take any laugh I could get.

The room was the same as before, but I had only brought a few clothes so we didn't fill the shelves up much.

We made my bed and propped the window open, then I sat down and tucked my knees up to my chest.

"Do you fancy a bite to eat?"

"Okay,"

"I know it's weird to be back, but you will be okay,"

"I miss Rider already,"

"I could see if I could arrange a phone call?"

"No, he's really weak right now. He needs to sleep, and not think about me. I'm scared about his infection,"

"If he has one they will control it... talking about infections, did you clean your arm?"

"Yeah,"

"Okay. If it starts to bother you then let us know and we can try to help,"

"I went so long without it... like, 3 months,"

"That's amazing, Sage. You are using the skills and showing so much resilience. We are proud of you,"

"Well I'm back here,"

"That doesn't mean that isn't amazing,"

"I'm a failure,"

"You are far from a failure,"

I laid down and turned to the wall, sighing. It was weird that Rory wasn't here and that dad didn't even know about all of this. I had grown close to them both and they were genuinely my best friends.

"Let's go and get something to eat,"

"I need a 1 to 1,"

"I am your 1 to 1,"

"Not Holly?"

"No, me. Because that means you will come to group therapy, and leave this room,"

"Hey,"

"I'm just saying,"

Rolling myself out of the bed, I stood and followed him to the canteen, picking up a ham sandwich and some side salad. He insisted I had a cookie, apparently it was new, and then we sat down together with food. I didn't ever eat with Holly, but she had lunch when I had therapy, and I supposed Mark hadn't had that time today. Besides, it made me more comfortable, and he did ask permission.

We didn't talk as we ate, but I didn't mind, and was too exhausted. However, I was feeling more comfortable here now it was getting familiar with it again.

"So, you could go to the common room and read, or watch a movie. Or, you could get a book and we could go back to your room. Or there is a craft session to make some fake stained glass things for your window,"

"Um, I don't know,"

"I say we go and craft,"

"I don't want to bother you, I know you have to organise a lot of things,"

"I spent all day with Rory, remember? And I have spent it with other people since, it's no hassle at all. Come on,"

"Okay," I said, peeking out a small smile, "Rider loves crafting,"

"He sounds like such a great brother,"

"He is... I hope he gets better soon. I love Gia too. She doesn't seem to get herself in as many situations as him though, he usually comes to me and hides a lot from dad. Just silly things, or small things that upset him... I don't know. I think Gia is a lot more mature and understands how to control her emotions better,"

"Everyone has different paces, and different things that hurt them. He will work through them,"

"Thank you,"

I followed him down to the common room where they had a couple of tables set up, so I sat on the end and he took a seat nearby, taking a laptop from where they were stored.

It was a lame activity, but it was nice to focus on something for a bit. I chose a butterfly yo make, and put different coloured cellophane on that would reflect the sun.

As I was doing it, I made a promise to myself to do this more often with my siblings. Honestly, I found it quite peaceful and knew they would appreciate the time together.

When I had finished, I cleaned up and took it to Mark, who looked up and smiled.

"I love it. Shall we go and stick it up?"

"Yeah,"

"Let me just log out of the computer. Did you have fun?"

"I did enjoy it,"

"Good,"

"Can I take a book back?"

"Take your pick,"

I went straight to the romance section and picked one I hadn't read, then we went back to my room and he sellotaped the sun catcher to my window.

"I am just going to get someone to come here while I go to the toilet and get some water. Would you like a drink?"

"Is there any orange juice?"

"I'll see what I can find,"

I began my book, a security guard taking his place while we waited. I would do just about everything and anything in this place to distract me, I decided, because constantly wondering about the state of dad and Rider was making my head explode.

And I didn't fucking know what would happen to me.

I wasn't happy. I had good friends and family, I did okay at school- I should be happy. But I wasn't. Dr Fahri would tell me those things don't mean instant happiness, but it felt like for other people, that was enough.

Why was I different? Sometimes my mind wandered and I felt selfish. Dad had given us so much love and that wasn't enough to make me happy. I had my own room, a double bed, new clothes... what did I need?

I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to want to be alive. I wanted to be able to handle things being different or wrong.

But I had to remember that just 4 months ago I was in my old home, and that it had impacted me massively.

Whatever it was, I was so sick of everything feeling like a chore.

For once, I wanted to wake up, and 100% want to be alive, so I vowed to myself to try and cooperate to see what would happen.