The Night Before

Chapter 43.

I woke up the next morning alone in bed. Martha gone. Anita gone. I got out of bed and made my way into the living room where Paul and Emily sat on the sofa. Anita smiling from ear to ear.

"What's this?" I asked.

"We didn't want to wake you. I just wanted to spend a little time with her this morning. To see her awaken, feed her...I thought maybe you could use some sleep." Paul looked up at me.

"Thanks. I don't work today so I should have everything handled."

He nodded and kissed the top of Anita's head. "Do you want me to leave?"

I sighed and shrugged. "I don't know what I want anymore. Emily can you please give us some privacy?"

"What about Anita?" She asked.

"Take Anita and Martha. Go listen to a new album or something."

She took Anita out of Paul's hands and stuck her tongue out at me. "Come on Ani. Let's go somewhere we belong. You too Martha."

I watched them walk off to her room, leaving Paul and I alone. I grabbed his hand and sat down with him on the sofa.

"You know just as much as I do that we can't keep this up. We can't try to make something out of this because Anita is ours. Screw all the questions. I don't care about searching for answers or meddling into people's buisness. I don't blame Richard. I won't hold it against him. You have Jane."

"I really don't know if I do. I met another girl. Linda....We've been sneaking off and...having an affair."

I laughed sarcastically and shook my head. "Don't tell me these things Paul. For fucks sake it's all the same with you people! I'm not strong enough for that kind of life. I'm not one of those girls."

"But you love me."

"I do. I did....I don't know anymore. Paul, you're an amazing man. You know what you want, you have a sucessful career and you're filled with passion. But you can't make up your mind with women. Who is it that you truly love??"

He stayed silent and just looked at me. I waited for an answer.

"I don't know."

I nodded and looked down at my hands. "I just don't want you hurting our little girl. I just want to know if I can trust you. Can I?"

I could see the hurt in his eyes. The truth. He didn't want to say it. But for my sake, it had to be done.

"No...you can't."

I held back the tears and took a deep breath. "Why did you come then?"

"To see her. To atleast know that she's somewhere out there in the world. That she's real. She's so beautiful. She has your lips and that nose."

I giggled and wiped my eyes. "Hopefully she has your humour and....strong heart. I just want you to know Paul that...I won't be angry. I won't hate you or do anything to mess with your life. I just want you to be happy."

"And I want you to be happy Sadie. I do love you."

"I love you too." I gave him a small smile.

..

I couldn't bear the fact of him leaving. To say one final goodbye. To never know him again the way I have. The only way of seeing him was on tv. Just like everyone else. If I even mentioned to anyone who Anita's real father was, I'd just seem like some obsessive fan. I knew the truth. Emily knew the truth. That's all that mattered. But now...watching him as we walked into the airport, carrying Anita in his arms, it was tearing me up inside.

"This is harder than I thought." I laughed sadly. He turned to me and kissed the top of my head.

"It shouldn't be this way." He whispered.

"It has to."

We looked down at our little girl, mumbling and reaching up into the air. Paul leaned down and kissed her cheek.

"One day." He whispered to her, setting her inside the stroller.

"I want to give you something." I said, grabbing my journal from my purse and handing it to him. He grabbed it and looked at me.

"Sadie this...."

"I want you to have it. My singing days are over. I can still play but...It'll be some time until I can do anything like that again. I think these songs deserve to be used. Especially the ones you helped me with. It's time for me to move on."

He nodded silently and wrapped me in his arms. My face in his chest, breathing in his scent and enjoying his body against mine.

"I'll never forget her. I promise." He sniffled.

"Please don't." I looked up at him. He leaned down and kissed me. Our lips locked until his flight was called. Even then, he didn't want the kiss to stop. But I had to pull away, holding his hand tightly.

"Tell Martha I said bye yeah?" I wiped his eyes. I nodded and pecked his lips.

"You better go. Goodbye Paul."

He nodded and took one last look at me before leaving without a word. He didn't even look back. Just kept walking until he disappeared out of my sight. I wiped my eyes, hearing Anita squeak in happiness. I leaned down and kissed her.

"Let's go home baby. Today I'm all yours." I smiled. Leaving the airport, my mind was all over the place the entire drive home. Hiding tears and sniffling to keep myself together, I grabbed my keys and walked into my apartment. I set Anita to nap and just looked down at her.

"Daddy loves you." I whispered. "He always will. I'll never let you forget that."

....

One Year Later

November 23, 1968

Thursday evening, radio on, Anita giggling in the bathtub as I washed her hair. Bubbles in the air as Emily walked inside. 

"I'm off to work. I'll see you in a few. Hi Anita!" She waved. 

"Alright. Just be home by eleven." 

"Will do. Bye." She waved. Anita copying her aunt. I laughed and coninued washing her. Martha napping on the tiled floor. I hummed until a song ended. That's when I heard it. I stopped and sat back on my knees, smiling to myself as his voice came onto the speakers.

"Martha my dear though I spend my days in conversation
Please
Remember me Martha my love
Don't forget me Martha my dear"

"You did it." I smiled. "He did it baby." I petted Martha's head and kissed Anita's cheek, singing the familiar song to my two girls. The song that was hardly anything to them, but would forever mean the world to me.

.............