Chapter 10

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My phone started vibrating in the pocket of my jeans just when I came in the door after work on Friday afternoon. I put down my bag and slid out of my jacket, then fumbled for my phone and took the call.

“Miller?” “Yeah, hey, Miller” Pete said. “I’m about to pick up Bronx from Ash’s and I was just wondering, what do I tell him if he asks if you’re coming?” I hadn’t made plans for the weekend yet but I was unsure if I wanted to spend it with Pete. To be honest, at this point I was afraid that if I’d spend too much time with Pete, I’d fall for him again for all the wrong reasons and I didn’t want that to happen. I knew it would all be because of the nostalgia and the déjà vus I would be feeling so it wouldn’t be real but being ‘in love’, I’d think it was.

“Aren’t William or Gabe down?” “William’s coming over later but Bronx sees him all the time anyway when he plays with Genevieve but he wants to hang out with you.” I smirked and sat down at the kitchen table. “Is this you asking or him?” He sighed. “I’m just wondering what Bronx can expect and I already know he’s going to ask me so you may as well tell me.” “What are you guys doing tonight?” “We were going to go swimming in the back because Bronx bought this weird stuff that can apparently color the water purple with just a drop, then maybe watch a movie.” I laughed. “Well, that sounds fun.” “You know that sometimes I need some help but when you’re there, he’s a lot happier than when he’s just with me, at least that what it feels like.” He was sounding down now. “No, don’t say that, you know that’s not true.” He breathed out loudly. “It doesn’t matter. If you’ve got other plans, it’s fine. I didn’t mean to convince you or anything by making you feel bad.” “No, Pete, it’s fine, I’m gonna be over in a bit, let me just pack some stuff and call a cab.” “Oh, no, William can come down and get you, he has to run some errands anyway.” “The cabs are normal down here, Pete.” He laughed. “No, I’m just saying he’s on the way and he’s literally going to pass your place so I’ll just tell him to pick you up. What do you think, how long do you need?”

And before I knew, I was in the passenger seat of William’s car with my handbag on my lap and a little overnight-bag in the trunk. “Thanks for picking me up.” “Pete insisted.” I laughed quietly. “Yeah, so I figured.” “He means well.” I nodded. “Yes, I know. Sorry I didn’t fangirl when we met, by the way. I forgot my manners.” William laughed. “I hope you know I was just joking.” “Of course. I am genuinely a fan of your music though. I just think you should cut your hair.” He laughed. “Aw, really? I like it this way.” I grimaced and shook my head. “It’s a no from me, sorry.”

We arrived at Pete’s place and William ordered some pizza for later while we waited for Pete to come back with Bronx. I put my bag into the guest room and then made myself comfortable on the couch in front of the TV. I couldn’t believe that this was how I was spending my time again, at Pete’s place, with Pete and Bronx and friends of Pete’s, tonight not Gabe but William. I knew that Gabe was out with Sofia tonight though and I had told her to tell me all the details if something happened. Because of Gabe’s divorce, they had been taking things very slowly.

“Charlie!” I heard as soon as the door opened and Bronx came running in and towards me, I had to sit up quickly to gain some control and so he wouldn’t jump on me. After all I had read online though, I was so afraid that he’d do something to the baby, I actually moved away in fear and made a scared sound. “Charlie, what’s wrong?” Bronx asked, actually seeming very concerned. Suddenly, Pete was behind him and sat down next to me, pulling Bronx onto his lap. “I think we should tell him” he said. I nodded slowly. “Right, okay, Bronx, sweetie, me and your dad, we have to tell you something, it’s pretty exciting.” The boy’s eyes lit up like stars. Pete messed up his hair and kissed Bronx’ cheek. “Buddy, Charlie’s pregnant. So you’re getting a little baby brother or sister. Isn’t that cool?” Bronx looked at me, then at Pete, in utter confusion. “When’s he coming?” “It could be a girl too, sweetie but it is going to take a few more months until the baby comes.” “I want a brother though.” “I’ll try my best” I joked, rubbing his arm gently, then getting up. Bronx said no more so to get everybody off the subject, I clapped my hands and got up. “So! I heard there would be swimming in purple water!”

I tried strongly to ignore the déjà vu that could’ve swept me off my feet quite literally when Pete pushed me into the pool. Luckily, I had brought my bikini this time though. I wondered if Pete remembered it all so vividly too or if it was just me. And I wondered if he found looking at me just as distracting as I found looking at him. This was the reason I hadn’t wanted to come down here, especially swimming was very questionable because I couldn’t keep my eyes off him but instead, I tried to focus on Bronx. Once he preferred his dad to me, I leaned back against the edge of the pool and watched them play while William swam back and forth for a bit until he started playing with Bronx and Pete too. I knew I would’ve enjoyed this a lot more if I wouldn’t have had to concentrate on not staring at Pete too much and if I would’ve been sure about how to act but I still didn’t know if I could behave like this was still my home. But at least, the water was purple and that made Bronx laugh the whole time we were out in the back.

When Bronx said he wanted to stay in the water for just a few more minutes, I got out and went inside, announcing I’d take a quick shower. I took my time though because unlike at my place, the water didn’t turn cold after a while which is why I preferred a bath at home. The hot and steamy shower relaxed me down to the core and I put on a pair of sweatpants and a grey shirt, trying my hardest to just pretend I was still at home here because if I was here, I might as well try to enjoy myself, I thought. I brushed my hair and dried it a little but then came downstairs where the guys were just coming inside, declaring shower time as well.

I watched football by myself for a while until the pizza came. There was money under a note saying ‘food’ on the shoe closet so I gave the delivery man that and received the food, preparing it in the kitchen and then putting it down on the living room table. Just when I was done and had put on the movie, the others came back down. “Well, I miss having you here” Pete said and looked at how I had prepared everything. Then he sat down right next to me and put his arm around me which I first thought I should find weird but he had done that so many times, there was nothing weird about it, there should’ve been nothing weird about it and I remembered that I wanted to not overthink things so I could have a good time and enjoy myself.

And when I relaxed into him and he leaned back, pulling me along with him, it felt so nice and so comfortable and so warm that I would’ve been insane to pull away. I breathed in his scent and the realisation of how happy I was and how at peace I felt almost made me cry but I tried to keep it together, eat my pizza and watch the film. But I missed Pete and I wanted him to miss me too, not because I prepared the pizza but because he still loved me. But I knew that wasn’t happening. I didn’t love him anymore, at least not like before, not after I had seen what he could be like and what he was capable of but now, all I wanted was for him to hold me closer and kiss me but I knew that this was as far as it would go and I would not have been able to handle rejection so I stayed exactly the way I was.

After a while, I closed my eyes, still trying not to concentrate on the fact that I really had to do something about my feelings towards Pete. Or was I only feeling that way because I was lonely? In this state, I wanted to say yes to everything. I wanted to marry him and I wanted to move back in here and I wanted him to make things easy for me. But that was just because I was desperate. Being fully awake and fully reasonable, I would’ve slapped myself for such thoughts but for the kid’s movie and the half hour sleep that night, I allowed myself to dream beyond my rules and morals.

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