Lost On You : Marthe Woertman LGBTQ+ Fanfic

34

Marthe.

I can't stop bouncing my leg as I sit in the lobby of Vanessa's office. Maxine took my hand, trying to calm me down, but it's not working. I don't want to be here. Waking up and coming to my session is a mistake, and I should get up and leave, but I'm hungover, and I can't believe I thought bringing Maxine was a good idea. She's going to hear all the shit I've never told her and then leave me.

"Marthe," my name is called, and I'm up in record time because I have all this pent up energy that I don't know what the fuck to do with. I laced my fingers through Maxine's as I stepped into Vanessa's office. I sat down on the couch as Vanessa sat down in her chair with a clipboard. I hate it when she aggressively writes when I say anything about how I want to sleep forever but not kill myself.

"Okay, Marthe, this must be Maxine," Vanessa says, looking at Maxine.

"Yes, hi," my beautiful girlfriend shakes hands with my therapist without letting go of me.

"It's so nice to put a name to a face," Vanessa says before getting serious.

"Last week we talked about you cheating," fuck this. I nodded, trying to keep it together, but Maxine is tense in my hand.

"If we don't tackle your reason why you're never going to forgive yourself, you never will. You're still giving it power," I hate how right Vanessa is because I continuously bring it up with Maxine.

"I can see Maxine has forgiven you," Vanessa points out, looking at Maxine and my hands.

"She has," I said.

"So why haven't you?" I hate that question because I don't know how to answer it. Wait. I know how; I just don't want to tell her why I cheated, but I need to.

"Because I don't trust myself," I said, looking down.

"Why?" Vanessa asked.

"I just don't. I'm afraid if I forgive myself, I'm gonna see that as an excuse to fuck it up, and I don't want to fuck it up, so as long as I remember what I did and not let go, I won't cheat," I said, avoiding anyone's stare. That makes sense in my head, but when out loud, I sound ridiculous.

"I cheated on impulsivity. I left not knowing I'd cross a line, but I did, and the next morning, I woke up hating myself. I woke up wishing to be dead because I cheated on the one person I never wanted to hurt," I said.

"And I get that getting drunk is not an excuse because it's simply not, and there was a part of me screaming to stop, but I didn't. I ignored everything on purpose because I wanted to bury my feelings about how I felt towards the news of my sister passing, that I got Maxine involved in my shit, and that everyone at school thinks I'm this monster, and it boiled over," I said.

"I'm a monster. I ruined lives because I didn't take into consideration that those girls had feelings, and I don't know if I can forgive myself for fucking up peoples view on love," I continued with shaky hands. My heart is hammering my chest as it tightens, and my skin is crawling, and I can't stop scratching the crawling feeling. It feels like bugs are all over me.

"It's okay to forgive and not forget, but it is not okay to hold yourself hostage to the past because it affects your relationship now. Has it?" Vanessa asked. I glanced at Maxine.

"Yeah," I said truthfully. Let's be honest. It has.

"Ghosts from my past keep showing up, reminding me that I used to sleep around like it was a sport. I've objectified these women, and it sucks that I'm just now realising this, but the worst part, Maxine has to be a witness to it. She sees the hurt I've caused, and now she's cleaning up my mess, and I don't want her doing that. She got hurt the last time someone's dad confronted me," I said.