nhl one-shots | multi

with all my faults | m. barzal

Taking a deep breath, Mathew's chest ached. He had already packed his bags and arranged himself a hotel room a close to the arena. His task was complete and for better or for worse, he had succeeded in accomplishing his goals.

The drive to his hotel room was painful, Mathew did nothing to stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks as he drove. He screamed and punched at his steering wheel, slapping himself across the face and pulling at his hair- anything to replicate the pain that he had just caused his soulmate.

Now Mat had never been one that believed in hatred, he was always under the impression that hating someone required energy, and instead of spending that energy into such a negative feeling, he would fuel it to further his career, or to make someone's day better. But now that he had seen was type of horrors he was capable of, he let his self directed hatred consume him.

It should have been easy to move on from Y/N. He was always busy so he should've been able to distract himself by work or his friends- but it was the exact opposite. The time he spent on the ice was tainted by the memories of Y/N sitting behind the glass, cheering him on at games, or time with his friends was haunted by the topic of where y/n was or if she would be joining them.

Mathew had shut himself in his apartment, forcing himself to think of anything but Y/N. He got drunk and caused a mess, only to have the housekeeper clean up his mess the next day so that he could repeat the habit all over again. He was broken and defeated. His heart was filled with regret and he knew that he had made a terrible decision.

It wasn't fair. There were plenty of hockey players that had been able to make their relationships work. So why couldn't he? Why did he jump so quickly to the worst case scenario- one that forced him to hurt Y/N to the point where she would never talk to him again? What was he thinking and why did no one stop him?

It wasn't health what Mathew was doing. His nights were becoming blurred and more often than not he couldn't remember where he had gone to sleep at- only remembering if he had buried himself at the bottom of a bottle, or cried himself into slumber.

He needed to fix what mess he had made.

There was no telling if Y/N would ever forgive him, or if she would even talk to him. But one night at 2am as he sat awake in his apartment, staring out the window at the city of New York- he knew that he had to at least try. So in his less than sober state, he grabbed his keys and drove to Y/N and his previously shared apartment.

It was a miracle that Mathew hadn't gotten into an accident with how fast he was driving. But before he knew it, he was standing in front of Y/N's apartment trying to rub sobriety into his eyes and shake the sleep deprivation from his figure. What if she turned him away? What if she cursed him out? Would he be able to handle it?

In the end, Mathew decided that he couldn't but just seeing Y/N would be enough to get him through the night. In the morning he could figure something out or at least make an attempt to, but for now- he needed to see her, to hear her voice, otherwise it would be another long night of drinking and crying himself to sleep.

Raising his fist, Mathew knocked on Y/N's front door- her hand stuttering for a moment as he built his confidence. Thankfully he didn't have time to turn around and run away, because within a ten seconds, Y/N had come to the door and opened it.

"What are you doing here?" She asked. It would appear that she wasn't in great shape either. There were swollen rings under her eyes presumably from not sleeping well and crying, her lips were chapped and overall she looked exactly how she felt. Like shit.

"I needed to talk to you." Mathew gulped.

Shaking her head, Y/N couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I think you've said quite enough." She went to close the door on him but Mathew had stuck his foot out and prevented her from doing so. He needed to talk to her- "Please just listen."

"I fucked up- I know that" He quivered. "I lied to you- I swear to god there is no one else" he began. "I thought that if I made you hate me, it would be easier to move on because YN you deserve so much better than me and everyone can see it." He mumbled. "But I was too stubborn to tell you that so I figured if I could make you hate me, it would make both of our lives so much easier."

"I never wanted to hurt you and I hate myself everyday because of it. What I did to you was unforgivable, but I can't live without you baby." He reached out, not missing the way Y/N flinched. "I made a mistake- the worst one of my life and I will do everything in my power to fix it.." He cried.

"If you were to ask me to leave the NHL I would, because I am nothing without you and I am not about to lose you because of my fucking stupid ideas." He winced.

"So please- just... all I'm asking is for you to consider it."

Y/N listened to everything he said, her heart aching as she listened to his speech. She knew that what he had done was brutal, she still hadn't gotten over everything he told her that night, and she wouldn't for a long time. But that didn't change the fact that she loved him and that he was meant for her. "Im not going to ask you to leave the NHL." She told him softly.

"But you better swear to me that there is no one else- and that you will never pull such a stupid stunt like that again." She swore at him..

Mat lifted his head, his eyes glazed over as he looked at her, his lips swollen from crying and his face red- matching his hair which was disheveled. "Does that mean you'll give me another chance?" He asked.

Y/N opened the door wider, allowing him to see into her apartment. "Its time you come home...." She walked towards him and wrapped her arms around him tightly, not missing the smell of liquor off him- yet she said nothing, the feeling of his body pressed against hers was enough for that time. He was familiar and he was hers. No matter their ups and downs, if Mathew was really being honest there was nothing that Y/N couldn't forgive.

They were meant to be and nothing would stand in their way.