Let's Play Pretend [Niall Horan AU]

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Okay so this chapter is quite a heavy topics for some people and I want you to know, if these topics disturb you in the least just skip over them or stop reading altogether.

My mum's an emotional person and actually ended up crying after I read these chapters to her.

The chapter talks heavily about death and just the depression that comes with it. Losing someone close to you is very hard and I don't want to hurt anyone with my books because that's the last thing I'd want to do to someone.

So if DEATH AND DEPRESSION are sensitive topics please skip over the next two chapters :)

I love you all and I'm always here for you no matter what x

A

I hate this day.

I woke up at three in the morning, feeling super uneasy. My whole body was covered in a thin layer of sweat, indicating some sort of bad dream but I had no recollection of it. From past experiences, I can only assume what it could've been.

My ever wandering mind took me back to the dreadful day. Memories of it flooding my head, still haunting me. Flashes of events crossed my eyes and I wanted to cry. My head was quickly filling up with those horrible days.

I got out of bed and grabbed the letter my mother had written before walking out to my balcony. I sat down in one of the seats, letting the stinging cold irritate my skin to be a constant reminder of my sins. I never like to turn to alcohol for sadness. I have my moments but it only forces me not to do it. It shows a side of me that I don't want anyone to see. It's a side of me that I want to keep to myself. It's a side of myself that's openly vulnerable. Bracing myself, I started reading the papers.

My beautiful Alexa,

You're by far one of the strongest little girls I know. You've been such a darling little child with me. You always try to keep my happy and for that, I'm eternally grateful. Having to leave you when you're so young pains me, puppy. But I hope you can forgive your mother. I want you to have the happiest life. I want you to live your dreams. I have so much faith in you. I know one day, in the future, you're going to be an amazing model. It deeply saddens me that I won't be there to see it but know that I'm always there in your heart. I'll always be watching and looking out for you, my precious. Whenever you get married and have kids, I hope you have the most wonderful family ever. I wish I could be there to watch your wedding. You would make such a beautiful bride. Whenever you miss me, just remember that I'm always beside you, now and forever. You and your siblings are the meaning of my life. You three gave meaning to your baba's and my life.

I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life,

Yours forever,
Mama
EM x

I put my head back, staring up at the night sky as tears streamed down my face. Each of her words always hit me so hard. My parents were my everything and when I lost her I felt so distraught. So lost in my own head. I didn't know how to escape it and to this day, I still don't.

The darkness around me let me see the shining stars in the black sky. I wish I could be like a star, be able to shine in the darkest periods. To still manage to push through all the darkness and glow. Have the strength to be at my best, however depressing everything gets.

I wish I can be my own star.

But only can I dream of such a luxury. This endless abyss I call my mind will never let me rest. Never let me forget. Never let me move on. There's always this rope tied around my waist which continuously pulls me back no matter how hard I try to persevere over it and climb the Rocky Mountain, I call life.