Take a Chance on Me

Twenty-five

"Please pick up the phone. Please pick up the phone," I mutter, no, beg, as I aggressively dial Alex's number, almost cracking my phone screen in the process from pressing so hard on it.

"Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system-"

I throw my phone across the room and hear a crunch when it slams against the wall.

Great way to break his heart and your phone. Keep up the good work Leah.

I grab my keys from the coffee table and sprint to my car as fast as I can. I need to talk to Alex and get this misunderstanding sorted out before it's too late. This was my shot, my second chance to make things work and I completely ruined it with self-sabotage.

As I drive down the freeway, weaving in between cars as if I get five points for speed and ten points for maneuverability, I try to poise myself as to not come off as a complete psychopath when I get to his house.

I zoom through his neighborhood, surprisingly receiving only a handful of dirty looks from angry pedestrians, and run up his front steps to his door. I take a few long, deep breaths and then knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Chase yells through the door.

"Oh uh it's, it's uh Gabby!" I yell back. I know if I say that it's me he won't answer.

"Oh hey Gab-" Chase's smile immediately flips upside down and I see the fire in his eyes. "It's not a good time, Leah." He begins to close the door, but I stiff-arm it, refusing to let him turn me away.

"Wait. Please. I just need to talk to him for a minute. Just one. I promise."

"Leah, he's not going to come down. You should really leave."

"Can you pleased just try? Chase, I need to talk to him. I'll never ask you for anything again." My heart starts to race as his expression changes. He no longer looks angry. His tense stature loosens up and his face becomes softer.

"I can't." I let out a long sigh and I'm about to beg him again, but he cuts me off. "He left. I don't know where he went, but he said he couldn't be here anymore. He needs space."

Now I see what his body language and face are portraying. Pity. He pities me. This is the moment I understand that it's over. Alex is done with me.

-

I've been laying on my bed for hours, staring at the ceiling fan, watching it go round and round, just like my thoughts. How could I have messed this up so badly? Why did I have to act like a complete maniac? A control freak? Why couldn't I have been more understanding? More trusting?

My head begins to throb from all of the countless thoughts running through my mind. There's no point in thinking about what I could have done differently because in the end, I'm still stuck in this spot. Without him. So instead of keeping my thoughts in my head and eventually turning this ache into a migraine, I find a pen and rummage through my belongings on my desk in search of scratch paper. Once I successfully complete my hunt, I let my pen do all the talking.

Alex,

I did it. Again. It's what I do best. I ruin things. I ruin everything, but this time I ruined the most important thing to me. Us.

I'm sorry, Alex. I am so sorry. I'm the only person to blame for setting fire to our relationship, ultimately burning both of us in the end. When things are going too well, I have to find a way to mess them up and that's exactly what I did.

I should have trusted you. I know I could have trusted you, but I didn't. I let my insecurities come in between us. 

I notice wet spots on the paper and realize that I'm crying. Another thing I'm ruining. I try to stop the tears. I try to catch them before they fall on the page and smear the ink, but it's impossible now. I'm sobbing, unable to control my body. I'm shaking, barely able to hold the pen. Before I lose the ability to do anything other than consume myself with sadness, I add a final note.

I'm sorry. I love you, Alex. And I miss you already.

I fold the note and put it under my pillow as I let myself sink into my sheets. My tears are flowing uncontrollably, my tongue tasting the saltiness that finds its way in between the corners of my mouth. My shaking and sobbing consumes my remaining energy, eventually drifting me into a deep sleep.