Take a Chance on Me

Forty-six

I lay on the ground of my bedroom, staring at my ceiling fan, watching the blades spin round and round. I can't help but relate to it. I feel like I have been running in circles trying to make things work with Alex, but I can't seem to get it right. Every time I get another chance to make things work, I end up standing in my own way, ruining the one thing I have been working relentlessly at for the past year, going back in time over and over again for. 

It has been a week since the party. A week since I saw Alex. A week since I have heard from him. I have called countless times with no response. I have texted him twice as much without any luck. I decide to text Chase because at this point I feel as though it is my only option.

Hey have you heard from Alex?

We live together, of course I have. What's up?

I've been trying to get in contact with him but he won't respond because of the party.

Alex and I were on the outs for a few days, but he forgave me. I couldn't even remember what happened. 

My heart lurches in my chest. He forgave Chase but he won't even speak to me?

I'm really sorry for putting you in this position. I don't know what I was thinking. I was super drunk and was completely out of control.

Can you just tell him to call me? Please?

I will. 

I try to call Alex again but this time it rings once and goes straight to voicemail. He sees me calling and purposely avoids it. The only way I will be able to talk to him is by showing up unannounced. 

-

I park in front of his house and force myself to get out of the car without thinking. If I sit in the car and try to plan out my next move, I know I will end up overthinking everything. I need to see him and say whatever comes to mind. But especially sorry. 

I knock on the door and I see Chase approaching through the glass. I really, really hope that Alex is home. I never considered that he might be out. 

I cut right to the chase when he opens the door. "Is Alex here?" He motions me inside and points me in the direction of the living room. I think he can tell from the urgency emanating from my body that this is serious and I will not take no for an answer. 

When I walk through the long hall towards the back of the house, Alex is laying down on the couch, staring at a blank television screen. I walk into his field of vision, blocking his view of the blank screen he seems to be so interested in. 

"Alex we need to talk."

He sits up, surprised to see me. "I don't want to talk. Haven't I made that clear by dodging all of your texts and phone calls?"

"Can I please just explain myself? I need you to know what really happened and then you can make a decision on our future together." He sits with his arms crossed over his chest and raises his eyebrows signaling me to continue. 

"I followed Chase into his room because he was embarrassed and I thought he could use a friend. A friend, that's it. When you came into the room, he leaned into me but I didn't lean into him. You need to know that I would never do that to you. He said he was drunk and didn't even remember what happened." 

Alex cuts in. "But you didn't lean back. At least not from what I saw. And now you're telling me that the two of you have talked since? Did you reach out to him?"

No no no no no. He has it all wrong. "I only texted him today because I was trying to get to you. Please believe me, Alex. Why are you forgiving him but not me? I didn't do anything wrong, Alex. Please." My body is starting to shake and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. 

"Leah, Chase has been my best friend since I was born practically. His dad just died. He's going through it and he's acting out. I know he has been feeling lonely and probably didn't even realize that it was you he was about to kiss."

"But why am I being punished? It didn't matter who followed Chase into that room. It could have been me or Gabby or even Bennett and the same thing would have happened. I just happened to be the only person trying to comfort him." My voice is starting to raise and my breathing is erratic, making every word extremely difficult to choke out. 

"But it just happened to be you. And after seeing the two of you in that position I can't erase it from my mind. I can't be around the two of you. It will cause too many problems and drive me crazy with paranoia. I'm choosing Chase. I'm sorry."

The tears fall and I can feel my heart pounding in my head. I shake my head and sit next to Alex on the couch. I grab his hands and hold them in mine. "Alex please don't do this. Please."

He pulls his hands away and rises, walking out of the room. I follow him towards the front of the house and when we reach the door, he takes a quick left and starts walking upstairs. "I'm sorry Leah, but it's over."

-

When I get home I try to go to my room but my roommate from hell, Mazy, stops me in the living room. "It's your turn to do dishes. They are piling up."

I don't face her when I respond. I don't want to have more conversation than is absolutely necessary. "I'll get them done tomorrow morning, I promise."

"If you leave them overnight they are going to get really gross and the food will stick. Can't you just do it n-"

I turn to face her this time. "Mazy, I said I will do it tomorrow. It is already 10:00 pm. Give me a break, alright?"

Her eyes widen and before she can respond I walk into my room and slam my door. I find the Mazzy Star record I bought and play the song Chase recommended. Fade Into You. 

I wanna hold the hand inside you
I wanna take the breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth

I rip out a piece of paper from a spiral notebook on my desk. I know exactly what I'm doing. I need one more chance with Alex. So I begin writing.

I am so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry you feel like I cheated you, that I wasn't there for you, that I can't be there for you. I'm sorry that you feel like your life is better without me in it. I'm sorry that I couldn't show you how much more I could add to your life. How happy I could have made you. And that is 100% my fault. 

I want this to work with you. I need this to work with you. I know that you are meant for me and I am meant for you. I know that things are amazing, perfect when we are together. But I also know that something always seems to get in the way. 

I still don't understand why things ended the first time. The second time was because of my jealousy and my inability to see all of the good in you. This time was my ability to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But this next time I know it will work. I have to make it work, because this is the last chance I am giving myself. If we don't work this time, I'll know that it isn't in the cards for us. But until then, I am begging you, one last time, to take a chance on me. 

I fold the letter and slip it under my pillow. I let the lyrics drift me to sleep, knowing that I will wake up in New York tomorrow morning.

Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew