Take a Chance on Me

Eleven

I'm tossing and turning, unable to find a position that will allow me to fall asleep. I'm so tired. So, so tired. All I want is to sleep, to escape from my reality, but I can't. I turn over and look at the clock on my bedside table.

2:36

2:36 in the morning and all of my thoughts surround him. It has been two weeks since he broke up with me, unwilling to try to make things work. Unwilling to explain how something so good ended so abruptly.

For the past two weeks I haven't slept through the night. I've barely slept at all. I'm exhausted but my brain won't turn off. It can't. It won't stop thinking about him. It won't stop thinking about how he broke my heart.

I need to find a way to move forward. I know I can't move on, at least not right now, but I need to find a way to make it through a day without the tears. Without the feeling of loss. I need one day where I feel okay. Not even good, but just okay enough to work through my normal routine and fall asleep at night when my head hits my pillow.

I sit up and turn on my bedside lamp. I've never been the best writer, but this is my last resort. This has to help, even if it is just in the slightest. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

I sit at my desk and open the drawer. I find a pen and a scratch piece of paper.

What do I write? What do I want to say?

But I stop myself. I can't think of what I want to write. I need to write exactly what is on my mind, no matter how embarrassing or hopeless it may be. This is the only way to extract my thoughts from my mind and lock them away in a letter, leaving me free of him.

And so it begins.

Dear Alex,

I don't know where to start, so I guess I will just go with sorry. I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us. I'm sorry that we fell apart. Most of all, I'm sorry that I wasn't enough for you. All I wanted to was to be with you, and trust me, I tried so, so hard to make things work. But in the end, I wasn't what you wanted and I can't blame you for moving forward in your life without me. I can't make you sacrifice your happiness for mine. I see that now.

I want nothing more than for you to be happy. If cutting me out of your life will lead you there, then I have to respect that. I know that you know how badly I am hurting right now. I can't say that I'm moving on yet, but I hope I will one day. I hope that I can look back on what we had and feel happy that it happened, that it was a piece in the puzzle that is my life.

I loved you, Alex. I still do. But I'll try to stop so that it makes your life and mine easier. I just want one thing in return. Don't forget about me. As the days, weeks, months, and years pass, don't forget that I was a part of your life at one point, even if it was only for a short period of time. Because I won't forget you. And I will never regret anything that happened between us.

Remember me,

Leah

As soon as I sign my name, I fold up the paper and bring it back to my bed with me. I pull my covers over me, tuck it under my pillow, and turn off my lamp. Surprisingly, I drift to sleep within seconds.