Dark in Me

9th September 2014

9th September 2014

I had a dream about us a few days ago. My dream was set at a primary school. I was walking down from the bathroom and walked back to where you were standing with a pram. In that pram was our little baby William. You gave me the pram and said you were going to get Victoria from the classroom. I said that was fine and you pecked me on the lips before leaving me alone with William. Our little boy was only a few months old and was sleeping soundly. After a few minutes he woke up and started crying. I picked him up and held him, calming him down. He was gorgeous and looked just like you with cloudy blue eyes but light brown hair like mine. I was hoping you would come back soon with Victoria as William was hungry and I was tired. I put William back in the pram when he stopped crying and seemed to be more awake now. He looked up at me with tired eyes and smiled. I started talking to him, telling him where we are and what his big sister and daddy were like. I was standing near the oval and I can't remember how it happened but suddenly a fire started. I panicked and grabbed William but the fire was getting closer. William started to cry and then the dream ended.

I guess the dream means that I love you more than anything and my worst nightmare is losing you; that’s what happened in the dream. I lost you. I don’t even know what to think anymore. You have asked me to help you feel better so we can go back to the way we were before but I don’t know how to help! I think you just need time but you say it won’t help. I don’t know what else to do! We’re stuck and I don’t know how to get out of it anymore. I hope time does help even though you doubt it.

I want to cut again. That’s all I want and if I don’t, I want to die. I still have my razors. They are right across the room in a box, staying there in case I ever need them again. I’ve been eating less food too. At school I’m not that hungry anymore because the guilt is eating away at me. I feel so guilty that I can barely do anything anymore. I never feel like eating as much as normal. I’m so busy worrying about you that I never feel like eating. I hope I don’t lose much weight because I know I’ll lose some at this rate.