Dark in Me

26th May 2015

So much for being clean.

Sixteen days clean and now it's gone back to one.

I cut the word 'die' into my hips three times and continuously went over it because I wanted it to stay and always be there.

I'm so pathetic.

I had no proper reason to cut.

I just went too long being clean.

I sat on the shower floor feeling so apart and like I was out of my body. Looking at my razor, I didn't want to do it and every time I did, the pain killed me a little more on the inside.

The reason I cut was because I was panicking and felt so clean and I didn't like it. I deserve to feel pain and be unclean.

Cutting soothes me. I feel safe and okay again when I cut. I calm down but I've noticed that I become detached to everyone once I've cut. I keep my distance and always worry that someone will notice, someone will find out and someone will tell.

The pain is always there, it's constantly stinging and when pressure is put on it, that's when it hurts the most.

It's cold here now so they have turned purple slightly and are inflamed but I'm okay with it. It helps me.

After cutting, I didn't regret it; I never do. After going so long without cutting and then finally doing it again, I shocked myself. I sat there with water pouring on the new wounds, head down, gagging and constantly shaking.

I stayed like that for about five minutes until I finally got out. The blood had stopped by then but I felt so weak and could barely stand. I was still shaking. I couldn't stop and I can still feel the cuts pulsing on my skin, constantly reminding me that they're there.

I'm beginning to think that I'll never be fully and properly clean again. It's too late now...