Dark in Me

14th June 2015

I know it will take a while to type this. My arm hurts at every movement...

I'm sorry to my friends that have to read through this but I did it again...

I've cut again...

I was getting my things for my shower and the remembered my razor. I was thinking that I most likely wouldn't use it but the thought of having it near me comforted me so I decided on bringing it.

After washing my hair, I turned the water to hot so it burned my skin. I sat on the floor and looked at my razor that was across from me. I didn't feel numb or anything. I put my arm up against my legs in front of me, looking at my scars that I know will be there forever.

I grabbed my razor and knew it had to be done. I pushed my arm against the side of my thigh and sliced my skin open over and over again. I didn't feel any pain at all which surprised me so I kept going. Watching the blood pour down my arm mixed with the water made me feel at ease and...happy? I don't know the feeling but I liked it; I enjoyed watching the blood fall.

I cut god knows how many times and I felt a little better though I need that pain. I cut right in between the previous times I've cut my arm. There was a gap that needed to be filled.

My close friend messaged him last night after I went to sleep. She ranted at him for always making me feel awful and that I need to be treated carefully and that cutting is addictive and that I am addicted to it. I think the saddest part is that she was right. I am addicted. I'm addicted to the pain and see no reason in stopping. I get nothing out of stopping apart from maybe him but after everything he's done, it doesn't even seem worth it.

I'm sure if I stopped and if I didn't do it for a while then I'm sure I would pick it up again and do worse than normal. Plus there would be repercussions for not cutting. I've noticed some I do already. I start to fiddle a bit, I'm on edge about everything more than usual and I get 'itching' and scratch until it hurts.

My arm hurts a bit and I'm sorry but I had to. I feel better now though thankfully, just a little shaky.

I just wish there was more pain...