Dark in Me

17th March 2015

17th March 2015

I feel like I'll never be clean again.

You want you to move on, practically begging me to let you go and believe me, I'm trying now more than ever. I didn't speak to you at all today nor did I acknowledge your existence when we sat next to each other in class. I'm trying my best to ignore you and you don't seem to care or notice.

Why? Why do you have to be so harsh and cruel about it all? I hate every single second you spend smiling because I'm in so much pain that you can never even come close to imagining.

I cut yesterday again but I feel like the cuts weren't deep enough, the pain didn't last long enough. I tried the rubber band trick except with a hair tie and now there's a small bruise on my arm but again, the pain didn't last long enough. I think I might smack a ruler down on my arm a bit later and see if the pain lasts longer. I need the physical pain.

I told you yesterday that my leg was hurting and it didn't seem to click in your mind to ask why or even assume that I had cut again. I'll probably cut again tonight.

You don't seem to care about me anymore and I'm glad. I just hope that once I really have moved on and when you don't matter to me anymore, that's when it'll click for you and you'll realise that I was in more pain than you couldn't even begin to understand.

Have a good life without me because at the moment, I sure am.