Dark in Me

7th September 2014

7th September 2014

Where did our love go? What happened to us? Every time I hear your name all I want to do is burst into tears. I love you and only you, I always have and always will whether you believe me or leave me. All I want to do is take away all your pain but I don’t know how to do that. I wish I could wipe away every painful memory from your mind and replace it with good ones. All I want is for you to be happy even if that means letting you go. Writing this brings tears to my eyes and I know that I may never even show you this and you will never read this.

I remember our first date, our first kiss and some of the first times you hugged me and held me. I will never forget those memories and I will forever hold them close to me. Our first kiss especially will never leave my mind as it was my first kiss ever. I will always remember how embarrassed I got when I asked how many times you wanted to kiss me and have you reply with all the time as you leaned in to kiss me. I will always remember how bad I was at kissing but how much I desperately wanted to kiss you again and have always since then.

I loved how you used to talk to me about our future confidently because you knew we would always be together. You would talk about us finishing school and living together in an apartment with our friends and their future partners. You named our future son William and you don’t mind me calling our daughter Victoria. We even decided two other names if we have another daughter or son which are Kayla and Michael.

I remember sitting in my grandparent’s living room talking to you about the ring you got me. I remember looking like an idiot and starting to cry when you told me how expensive it was. I remember how my face would’ve lit up when you said on the 29th of August that you have something for me and pulled out a small purple box. I remember everyone asking me where I got it from and saying you gave it to me. I could never wipe the stupid smile off my face when someone would look at it and say it’s beautiful.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night, a few nights ago, when I was certain you were going to leave me and pulled out my ring. I looked at it for a few seconds and burst into tears thinking that the ring will be filled with broken promises. I remember asking if you wanted it back while tears were streaming down my face. I remember crying myself to sleep that night because I had a feeling you’d leave me.

I won’t ever forget that numb feeling I felt in the shower that night. I had pulled apart one of my used shaver head and grabbed two of its four razors just in case one wasn’t sharp enough. I remember sitting on the ground in the shower and have the water fall down on me as I held one of the razors. First I did one cut. It didn’t seem to be enough so I cut again. After the second cut, I sat there for a while feeling numb and in pain as I watched a small bit of blood come out of the two cuts. Two cuts wasn’t enough though so out of anger at myself I cut one last time between my first two cuts. I cut into my skin hard and deep and then sat there, in pain, staring at the blood that came pouring out of my third and final cut.

I remember feeling too numb and in pain to cry. I wanted to cry but instead I just sat there watching the blood drip down my leg. I thought about how to kill myself. Maybe I could cut a vein in my arm and bleed to death. Maybe I could stab myself. Maybe I could shoot myself. I even thought about going up the road and walking until I got to the 100 zone and then running in front of a car at the last second and hoping to die. Maybe I could tie some rope to my ceiling fan and stand on the steps then kick them away and hang myself. There were so many ways but I couldn’t bring myself to do them as much as I planned to.

I remember tonight in the shower, looking down at my cut I got today from scratching a bite too hard. I can still feel the stinging on my leg. I stood in the shower thinking about what I could do with that cut. I thought one thing which was that maybe I could make the cut extremely deep and let it bleed before stopping it and coming out of the shower and putting a large bandage on it. The only thing stopping me from proceeding with it was that I left my razors in my room. I wanted to cut my leg open because I was so furious at myself for what I had done; I wanted to make myself suffer physically as well as emotionally.

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So that was diary entry one. Let me know what you think and I'll post the second one sometime soon. Thanks for reading!

-Angel