Dark in Me

27th October 2014

27th October 2014

I knew something was wrong. It was written all over your face. I could see the hurt in your eyes and it was so hard to concentrate when I knew something was wrong but you wouldn’t tell me. Why do you always lie? So easily as well; right to my face.

I thought you hated lying to me. It doesn’t seem like you hate it seeing as you do it all the time. Most things I do these days are triggers for you and you automatically think about the past and what happened and that maybe I’m doing it again.

No matter how many times I reassure you that I’m all yours, you don’t seem to believe me even though you say alright. Why do you always lie to me?!

Two hours later

I finally did it. I finally broke your promise. The one promise I wanted to keep above everything else and I broke it. I cut again.

I went to the bathroom with my razor and finally gave in. My first cut was long and deep and it stung badly. I wiped up the blood and when it stopped bleeding mostly I cut again. Again and again and again. I don’t even know how many times I cut but it still stings now. There must be about seven cuts on my left upper thigh and you will never know.

You won’t know and I won’t tell you. I cut again. I walked back from the bathroom, my legs shaking violently and it was painful to walk. I continued to walk around, suppressing the pain I was in and now it isn’t so bad. It still stings like hell and I have a bit of tissue taped over the top to stop the blood going onto my pants.

I can walk now normally but no one can feel how much pain I really am in. Help me. Help me please. Why do you have to cause me pain? Why did I do this? It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. Help me… please…