Dark in Me

28th May 2015

Today was okay. Yesterday, before midnight, I was crying my eyes out because I have people that care for me and make my life worth living.

We spoke again which is good. I like talking to you and I'm glad we're still friends. I don't feel nervous or anything "lovey dovey" around you anymore which is good; means I've moved on and I'm glad for everyone's sake.

My crush knows about this now and somehow he still likes me and accepts me for me. He wanted me to add in that I was smiling today, especially when he hugged me. Happy mister?

I still have a strong urge to cut but I try not to. The word "die" is starting to fade from my hips and heal. I hope at least one scars to be honest...

I wish I was really and truly happy. I wish life was perfect and everything was alright. Why can't everything be alright? Why does everything bad only seem to happen to me? I wish I never had urges...

I wonder what's it like to be happy and never feel like killing yourself constantly. I don't even know how people can be happy. I don't understand it anymore. How can you be happy?

I starved today. I went nearly seven hours without food and I was pretty proud until I got on the bus and then ate stuff that will make me fat - big mistake. It tasted so good but I wanted to throw it up badly so I wouldn't get fat. I'll start again tomorrow. No food for a minimum of eight hours. I just hope I can do it.

No one really seemed to notice that I didn't eat all day. My best friend didn't pick up on the fact that I never brought out food. I was starving all day but in the end, still wasn't very hungry.

I need to be skinny and I will be. No more food tomorrow for a while and I know I can do it. I will not eat!

I need to look pretty and be skinny...please...