Dark in Me

13th April 2015

I ruined it all last night. I couldn't help thinking back to when I felt so rejected, alone and unwanted by you. I felt so heartbroken laying in bed between 2:00 and 2:30 in the morning. I felt so alone.

I was alright before I said goodnight to everyone I was talking to but then it all went downhill from there. I got into bed and just laid there for 25 minutes not moving. I laid there thinking, drowning in thoughts.

I thought back to that night, at that party. We were falling apart but no one knew. I tried to act like I normally would and was doing well but you didn't want me. You neglected me and treated me as if I was crazy for hugging you. Why didn't I see it then Why did it have to be a week later that I realised that you really didn't want me? I would walk off and stand in the corner and you wouldn't care or even look over at me. I would suddenly disappear for five minutes and you either wouldn't notice or wouldn't care or come looking for me.

I'm sorry for everything and I wish I could change it all.

I've moved on now though and so have you so the pain doesn't come anymore. You and her are my good friends now and I trust you both more than anyone else in the world. I can't lose either of you in my life because you both mean so much to me. I'm constantly thankful that you two are always here for me even after I've screwed up everything too many times.

I'm sorry for what I did last night, I couldn't stop. I felt so numb and alone and unwanted. I took it in my hand and said a sentence in my head and cut for as long as that sentence was. I cut over other cuts all made at the same time making them bleed and hurt more. I don't even know how many they are because I did it so many times in the dark, all alone.

Once done, I couldn't stop shaking for another 20 minutes. I was in pain, cold and shaking uncontrollably.

I'm so sorry for what I did but physical pain is better than emotional pain

It aways is...