Dark in Me

9th July 2015

I've lost weight...and I'm losing it fast.

In the last two months, give or take, I've lost two to three kilos. I lined up two photos of me and my body from May and now and you can see a difference. My thighs haven't really changed much but I have a flatter stomach, still not as flat as it could be but better than from before. I am currently and roughly about four kilos away from being underweight. I'm happy but also kind of scared because if I do become 51kg like I want then I have no idea how to maintain that weight. I only know how to lose and gain, not maintain.

I never cut the other night like I said I would but I have a feeling I will soon because I've become a little jumpy and sudden with my movements; my arms are constantly itching no matter what and I feel really weird about not having that constant pain and/or reminder of the scars being there.

My movements have become stiff a bit recently. Somewhere in my part, I'm in pain. I've got a bad feeling it's muscle pain and is caused by me losing weight.

I'm constantly scared of my body because I don't know what all these little things mean and I don't want to just waste away or really sick. I'm always really tense which isn't good for me because even before I started losing weight, if I became tense then I would also be in a lot of back pain and really stiff. I hope I'm okay.

I got to see my girlfriend yesterday which was good and a friend I haven't seen in a while which I was also happy about. I was doing a photo shoot for school but that also meant that a few people that were there were also from school which I did not like because they were the people that I don't hang around with and don't really talk to me.

I noticed about myself that I was very tense and kept to myself a lot. Whenever my girlfriend was near me, I would be really tensed up about it and when we hugged, I sort of freaked out so they were only quick hugs.

I know there are a few different reasons for this. One: I haven't really been touched like that for at least two weeks. Two: she is my first girlfriend ever. Three: I think we kind of rushed into things a bit so that's also freaked me out. Four: neither of our parents know that we are bi let alone dating. Five: anxiety hit me hard for the whole day.

I know some of those reasons either don't count or are just plain stupid but that's all I can think of. I guess it's probably best if I keep to myself because of my scars and everything.

I wish I would stop being so tense, it's killing my back. I also sprained my ankle the other day and because I have double jointed ankles, I have to crack them often otherwise they become stiff and numb. I can't really do that to a sprained ankle without it hurting and making it worse but I need and deserve the pain so I guess it's okay.

I'll be weighing myself next week when I have access to some scales. Hopefully I'm not underweight by then...