Dark in Me

3rd June 2015

I feel like crying myself to death. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to sit in a corner and slowly die with tears streaming down my face.

I got told off for getting away from my thoughts and reading on my iPod in study. Thanks, now I'll go back to thinking about dying. Thank you very much for letting me go back to being so alone and empty instead of escaping it for a while.

I thought the teacher was cool with it but obviously not. I hate being here. I want to go away for a while. I don't want to be at home or at school. Can't I just stay at a friends place for a while?

I'm constantly being annoyed at home with my siblings just being idiots, stubborn and not doing anything and my mum won't leave me alone, constantly asking if I'm alright. No I'm not! I haven't been f*cking happy for a long time! Happy?

I arrived at school this morning just feeling tired and drained despite going to sleep pretty early last night. I feel so emotional and just want to cry but I can't because people will know. They can't know. No one can.

I brought my razor to school. It's sitting in my pocket and I feel a little more at ease than normal because I know it's there. I might use it today, either at school or tonight, around midnight.

I want to cut my wrist. I need to. And I will... Just not now because people are around and I think I might throw up if I do.

I've stopped eating breakfast recently. No one has seemed to notice thankfully. Yesterday I felt really nauseous all day so I didn't eat much. I'm hungry and I'll eat something small soon. It's alright though because it's healthy and won't make me fat.

I want to lose about five kilos but it's okay, I'm allowed because I'll still be a healthy weight if I do. I'll be on the edge of being underweight if I do lose that much weight and I know I will get there. I will be skinny and still healthy. I wil reach my goal and I will be happy with my weight. I just have to work for it.

I wish I wasn't here.

I wonder if he'll talk to me today. I tried talking to him last night about what this was between us but he never replied... He just disappeared and never came back...

Something might happen I hope but if it doesn't work then I'm never trying to do this again. I will wait and get someone else to work hard for once. But this also means that I'll probably be alone and single for a long time before that happens.

I'll live... I hope...