Dark in Me

3rd September 2015

Long time no talk huh?

I'm not really sure what to say. I don't have a girlfriend that I previously mentioned and I tried starving but didn't do a very good job so gave up. I am single and have started doing fitness challenges to be fit and thin. I'm currently on day eight for it and its my rest day, I have been going well though so far surprisingly.

It failed with my girlfriend due to my anxiety getting the better of me. I don't regret breaking it off though she was convinced for a while that we were going to get back together however I knew that wouldn't happen. I told her after a while that it most likely wouldn't happen and that she needed to move on and I believe she has at last which I'm thankful for as I was causing her pain from her holding on.

I need to be more positive. However, I'm not really sure how. I need to stop thinking the world is against me. Though, I'm not really sure how. Life is hard, life is horrible but life is also good and I thankful that I've stayed alive. I've kept my best friend alive and happy by staying even though he still has his days, doesn't everyone?

I still have my addiction though I've had a burst of happiness recently and haven't needed my razor in a few weeks though I still have many scars. My recent one is a word across my wrist that I'm sure many more people have seen and now know that I cut though I doesn't bother me, I dont care. The word I cut into myself was 'fat'. Pretty horrible huh? I highly doubt that word will ever fade from my wrist though I don't mind. I know I should mind but I don't. Sorry.

I finally got a job so I'll be working soon which should take my mind off a lot of things as it does get really busy at times. I can't wait to start working and earn a little more money.

School has been okay. I'm a little annoyed at one of my friends because they don't think I can do these fitness challenges. I've been generally okay with my work at school though recently I haven't done a few things and it's cost/going to cost me. I hope I can get away with it.

I don't think there's much else to say. I probably should see a psychiatrist and get some medication because I know I need it but I'm too nervous to even ask to see one. We'll see I guess...