Dark in Me

10th February 2015

10th February 2015

I tried purging today. I was at lunch and ate a small wrap but then made the mistake of falling for chocolate and asked for some from my friend. They gave it to me and as I ate it, I despised the taste and automatically regretted asking for it. I wanted it out of me even if that meant getting my lunch out as well.

Chocolate doesn't seem to taste as good as it used to and I guess that's because I haven't eaten it in a long time and I'm training my mind that it really isn't that good and it will make me fat.

Before going to the bathroom and attempting to purge, I went to get a drink and think about it for a minute. I had decided that I needed to purge because I needed this horrid food out of me as soon as possible.

In the bathroom and I kneeled down and last minute regrets ran through my head but I ignored them and stucck my fingers down my throat. I gagged several times and continued to do it but I couldn't get anything out. I eventually gave up and walked back to my friends, feeling awful in a few different ways.

At around 2pm I knew I needed to try again to get this food out. I left class and went to the bathroom and stuck my fingers down my throat again and again hoping, praying, that I would vomit all my food up but no matter how many times I gagged, nothing would come up.

I can't do it. I want to and need to purge but nothing ever comes. I need help, I have to get unwanted food out of me but I can't seem to purge. Am I doing it wrong? Help me please.

I've found another way to hurt myself that won't leave any scars but stays there for a while and hurts a bit. I stick a safety pin under my skin on the palm of my hand and sort of thread it through before ripping the pin hard through my skin upwards. It hurts and creates a mark for a while and I know it will heal over and look as if nothing happened in about a month.

After failing to purge twice, i have been doing it a lot and the safety pin trick works but it looks like I've cut. I guess that's good and bad at the same time.

You thought I had cut when I told you I hadn't and instead ripped my skin with a safety pin. You don't know about the purging but you know I'm trying to starve. I hope you don't see this because I don't think I could handle the look of disappointment on your face when you find out. I might tell you one day when it all blows over though which I partly hope it does.

I'm trying to fast, meaning not eat for a long period of time but I have to eat lunch because I always go through the effort of making it but I make sure mine is only small. I fast from around 7:30am to 11:50am and then start again from about 12:10pm to 4:00-5:30pm, excluding sleeping time. It's a total of around seven and a half hours, meaning I've stopped snacking in school but find it hard at home because I don;t want to seem out-of-the-ordinary.

I need to be thinner!