Dark in Me

8th May 2015

You don't care about me anymore and I can tell. You barely talk to me and when you do, it seems like you're annoyed.

She doesn't really talk to me either but every now and then we do with other people around.

I felt lonely a few days ago. I don't even know what to do or say anymore. What am I meant to do? I sit there and smile and talk. I'm different than I was before, I've changed. I talk a little more but it's still the same when I get home, I'm still alone with nothing but my thoughts to comfort me. I don't mind.

I found out that one of my friends is still alive - thankfully. I had almost given up hope when she never messaged me again for a while. I finally messaged her and she's alive despite saying that she was days away from killing herself.

Nothing really happens in my life anymore. I talk more now though and have made a few more friends. I miss being sad all the time though. I know that's bad and I shouldn't but I do. Being sad let me do things with a reason, it gave me urges and I fulfilled them, it gave me something to think about, it gave me a reason to be quiet and not talk to anyone. Now that's all gone though.

I now have no reason to cut or sit in the shower and watch the blood pour down my leg or arm. I now have no reason to contemplate living or dying. I now have a reason to talk and meet new people and not be quiet. I have something to do now that involves me talking.

I spend time with people and I really enjoy it. I had a rant yesterday at my friend, it wasn't about him but I still went off. I was just annoyed at everyone else in the world that thought they knew what I was going through. No one knows how I feel ever! I'm sick and tired of people telling me they know how I feel when they absolutely do not!

Have you ever been to three different primary schools, bullied or left alone in the end? No, I don't think so. Have you ever stayed up late every night and planned your own death over and over again? I doubt it. Have you ever been through the worst year of your life because of issues with friends and heartbreak and then finally going through depression for the last seven months of that year? You haven't. Did you then go through the most perfect time in your life to then ruin it all yourself and lose the love of your life before then going through another eight months of depression that involved cutting every time you could and planning your death, being completely alone? No! No one fucking has! No one has been through exactly what I've been through therefore no one knows how I feel! I have scars that constantly remind me of the hardest time of my life. I always think back to it.

I actually struggle with getting attached to people now and when I do I always just can't handle it. I don't want to break again, I don't want to being broken and left alone again with no one but my razor to comfort me.

I have moved on from you now and I actually am happy to see you and my friend together. You two make sense. I still talk to you two as well but not that often. I enjoy seeing you two happy together and talking to you two.

I've fallen for this guy. He makes me go crazy because to me he is just perfect and amazing but he's so difficult. You can never tell what he's thinking or feeling when texting because he doesn't use emoji's or anything and it annoys me a lot. He constantly tells me to not worry about anyone at all. How do I suddenly stop worrying?! Please, someone tell me, how to suddenly just stop worrying about everyone else around you? I was born to worry about everyone else and make sure they are alright and he just goes and says not to worry about everyone because I shouldn't. No! You shouldn't tell me to not do something I've done for my whole life.

It just infuriates me that someone can do that. You just can't stop something like that. You just can't...