Dark in Me

13th June 2015

I wouldn't be surprised if I had an eating disorder and anxiety as well as depression...

After cutting, I always become extremely paranoid and anxious around other people because I think they know or will find out. They'll tell everyone. Even on a normal day, I'm still a little freaked out by outsiders because I just think they know and are judging me and will tell everyone. Everyone will know. They can't know.

Everyday, most of the time I skip breakfast, skip lunch, my snacking amounts have started to reduce due to no appetite and before, during and after dinner, I feel like I'm going to through up and I have also been eating less during it.

Someone help me...

He doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't understand. He doesn't want me until I stop self harming but that's easier said than done. I want to stop but I can't. He doesn't seem to get that I can't just be better all of a sudden; I can't just be happy and alright again in a snap of his fingers. That's not how it works!

With him rejecting me until I promise to never cut is just giving me more of a reason to cut. He is not helping me! If he wants me to stop then make me happy, don't leave suddenly, care, don't say be happy and then do nothing, don't tell me to stop and then give me no reason to stop. Give me a reason to stop cutting!

He doesn't do anything and it drives me insane! Do something and there might be a reason to stop!

I don't know what to do...

I think I've fallen for him and I can't... I can't destroy another person's life... I can't lose him...

I hate my life. Why do I have to be alive? Nothing seems to be getting better and he isn't helping. I don't think I want to live anymore...

I feel so tired and cold... I'm always shaking...

I know that I need help but I won't get help until I lose too much weight, not until I'm an unhealthy weight. So for now, I'll just suffer alone... quietly on my own...