Dark in Me

11th June 2015

I went a long time clean... I did well that I even lost count of the days but now I am again back to two days clean.

No one knows... No one has seen... No one has noticed...

He still barely talks to me. I guess I can't be too picky because we have had exams and at different times so we haven't seen each other much. He doesn't message me though. It doesn't seem like he's trying very hard but I won't dwell on that so much for now.

I'm in a lot of pain right now. I'm a girl so I'm sure everyone can figure out why. I like the pain though even though it's killing me. I don't want to do anything today because of the pain but I still have one exam left to get through. It's alright if I do badly because I'm not continuing the subject after this.

I cut the other day... On my wrist too. I finally fulfilled my urge and cut my wrist. Only a few times though, it's a very small part near my wrist. No one has seen it despite it being noticeable if my sleeve is pulled up slightly. I want to cut again, make more of a mark.

It was inflamed yesterday due to doing it the night before. It is no longer inflamed however and I miss the pain. I miss the pain I get when my new wound brushes against my sleeve. I need that pain.

When I did cut, the pain was excruciating. I wasn't feeling numb nor was I in the shower, numbing my body. Instead I was sitting on my bed, dragging the piece of metal across my arm. After a few times of just simply dragging it across, I start pushing and making blood draw from the new wounds. All I wanted to do was scream but I couldn't, I had to hold the screaming back and silently suffer. But it's okay, I always suffer in silence because no one knows, no one wants to know and no one wants to hear it. I know no one wants that burden placed on them yet I still tell people. I'll have to cut for talking... I should keep quite and suffer alone... I should never tell anyone...

I'm pretty sure we have study together this morning, him and I. I wonder if we'll be together for it. He will probably go somewhere else though and/or ignore me. I wouldn't be surprised for either. I just I can hope...

I hope to cut tonight. Just to feel that pain again. I love that pain... I need that pain...