Dark in Me

1st June 2015

I'm so sick of everything! I've been feeling horrible every day for god knows how long. He has been stressing me out so much! Why does he do this? Why? Someone enlighten me please.

He has been saying all these things as if he wants me to change but I can't. I have cut all my hair off because I was sick of it and he just says in a dull tone that it looks good but he prefers long hair better. Thanks, thank you for your input! Thank you for your f*cking input!

I've been contemplating life for this past week and whether I want to continue with it and you're not helping. I've been crying every night all alone and no one knows. I don't even know if I want help because I'm worried that I'll need medication and I've heard that for the first week or so of taking it, it makes you feel even worse than before. Also just thinking about properly being diagnosed with depression kind of worries me.

I wouldn't be surprised if I had a small case of anxiety because I feel like people are always talking about me. I'm sure it's nothing but I can't help but worry.

I felt horrible today because one of my teachers gave me a guilt trip for changing subjects. I mean does it really matter? I'm changing to something that I rather do that will help me in life as well. The teacher kept denying the whole time that she was sending me on a guilt trip as well which made me just annoyed. I want to do something I'm happy with and am good at but no, apparently I can't do that without being sent on a f*cking guilt trip!

I gave my reason that I was changing due to starting to struggle and not really understanding much anymore. The teacher jut said that I should've tried harder and asked more questions. Wow, would never have thought of that! I tried and I didn't get it until my friend explained it to me about three times.

Try harder huh? Well sorry for not really having much reason to try as I'm busy struggling through depression and crying myself to sleep every night! Sorry for not staying up and studying all night and instead crying and contemplating life and cutting! Sorry for suffering and not working! I'm f*cking sorry!!

I am so tempted to cut my wrist. Just the thrill of it all is appealing to me and I want to feel that pain again. I want to suffer again.

I need it...