Achieving For The Greater Good

Evaluation Based on Personal Influences

Trust – Sinoak

Encouragement – Noel

Determination – Alisiana Jae Rose

Not Pathetic – Alisiana Jae Rose

Bored – Adam

Just To You – Sinoak

Depression – Sinoak

Stress – Angelo

Excitement – Sinoak

Organization – John

Relation – James&Sinoak

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July 10, 2019

This entry is about the Countered Reputations Letters and the personal influences that I saw. The following entry will be about the story itself and how these letters have enlightened me on how much I have changed the story since 2013. After reading these entries I am reminded of my depression and anxiety. I still have that today because they're mental disorders but in 2013 I didn't have as much of a hold on the disorders.

Sinoak – This character is based off of me and my emotional turmoil that I was dealing with at the time. Her character represent a part of me but as I read through these entries I see that each of these characters, even if they were based off of another person, are all a part of me. I used Sinoak as someone who was speaking to me. It was a way for me to evaluate myself and I told myself that I need to take my own advice. It's all perspective. No matter how many times I help others, the advice that I give needs to be heard by me even if I have to face myself in a mirror through my writing.

Noel – These journal entries won't be published outside of Wattpad which is why I'm keeping the name of the original character as is. However, I try to avoid using actual names in my stories now. In truth, Noel is Naomi's first name but I don't use it in my writing for security reasons. Espinoza is the last name of a different friend of mine but I used it because Naomi's real last name starts with an E and I thought I was being creative.

Originally, I saw this as an opportunity to get to know Naomi through my writing but I didn't have a base other than her looks so when I ended up writing about Noel in the beginning it turned out that the personality that I gave the character the mindset of being logical and thoughtful before acting whereas, Sinoak was how I actually acted, Noel was the person I used to write someone I wanted to be like.

Both characters reflect how I think. At the time, I thought more with my heart than with my logic. Now, in 2019 I can say that my emotions do influence my decisions but I do think through situations before reacting. I don't assume that the first thought in my head emotionally is correct. I have to take a moment unless it's a situation that I have a timed decision on. I've learned what is acceptable socially and I use those responses repeatedly to make sure that I'm doing what is morally correct and for the most part, I do make morally acceptable decisions.

When it comes to making decisions where I'm at a loss or I'm completely unsure what to do, I go with my instincts which boils down to my gut and my gut is a feeling that I've always considered an emotional reaction.

Adam – With this character I took the more inquisitive way that I think. Adam is very curious and Noel is the same but instead of intelligently taking something apart physically, he does it through cognitive analysis. This character physically interacts with his environment more because in the second realm that I made, the world is more simple and interacting with object physically to understand them is simple in a way. Whereas, thinking about the objects is more complex.

James and Sinoak – In 2013, my relationship with Lilly was not where it is now. At the time, I wanted to write us a story that might have worked out instead of turning into what actually happened. Today, I appreciate our relationship and what we've gone through but at the time of experiencing it, I was broken.

Had I not looked into my past poetry I wouldn't have as concrete of an idea of how I felt about Lilly in 2013. As I healed from the toxicity that we had, I didn't look back. I engrossed myself with happiness and I forgot about how painful our relationship had been. I focused on moving forward instead of moving back. Then, when I healed and I was okay, I was able to face the wreckage that we caused.

I strongly believe that our relationship as platonic friends would not be if I had not met the woman who is in my life right now. We helped each other relearn how to love and care for ourselves and because of that I was able to face Lilly and she was able to let go of the person who she was hung up on. I didn't physically face Lilly but I did talk to her (with My Sun's permission). I didn't need her permission but I asked for it anyway to ensure that there would be no issues between us.

The story originally was supposed to be a romance/action/fantasy/sci-fi... I wanted to make a relationship between Noel and Sinoak that worked but I also wanted Lilly and Sinoak to work. I gave Adam a girlfriend which connected him to the Dimension (basically the demon realm) but since I didn't know how to function in a healthy and functional relationship when I wrote about relationships I wrote about what I knew, which wasn't healthy or functional.

It takes a toll of my pride to admit that but it's true. I wanted to make a story that could put all these characters together and have them work together. I know that Naomi would be willing to read it because she likes my writing but Lilly would rather know of it but not read it. The past version of them would both like to read it but Lilly is very critical and she would have told me where all my mistakes were and I'm glad I didn't give her the chapters.

Overall, these letters reflect on how emotionally unstable I was and how I wanted to support myself without having to ask others for support. Yet, in a way I was asking for support but that support was coming from within. I was trying understand myself without realizing that was my tactic.

I hope my readers enjoyed reading this section. The next will give spoilers about the characters and comparing the story to what it was verse what it is today. I haven't posted it yet because I'm not confident and I like spending more time on my poetry than on my stories. Thank you all for reading, I hope my readers enjoy the entry as well!

DJ