Achieving For The Greater Good

News Writing Critique

  This news writing world is a whole dimension in itself. Personally, I'd love to get back to my fictional writing but I'm learning a lot from these different types of writing. At first, poetry was difficult for me and now it's not as challenging but I've hindered on my fictional writing. Below you will see the critique that my editor handed me. I'm thankful to have her because otherwise I wouldn't be learning. She said I have potential and I don't know why but I guess I sound convincing enough.

The easiest thing to remember about modern newspaper writing is that it came out of the Civil War, when reporters were writing stories out on the battlefields and sending back stories to East Coast newspapers. Stories were sent by telegraph, and writers never knew when a line might break, especially if it did while they were transmitting. Their solution was to put the most important information at the beginning of their stories, and we still hold to that format (mostly). It helps page designers, too. If a story's too long, they'll usually cut from the bottom of the story to make it fit.

Coffee with A Cop

The San Angelo Police Department held "Coffee with a Cop" on May 21st from 6-8 p.m.at TJ's Frozen Yogurt to answer questions of the public. (Note 1)

The event was held to give the public an opportunity to get to know the police as part of the community as well as assistance of the community.(Awkward wording at the end. Do you mean that the event was to assist the community or to show the police as something that assists the community?)

"Hopefully, by doing this, this will give the community a more positive impression and help them realize we're people, too." Sector Liaison Officer Rick Tinseley said. (Note 2)

By choosing TJ's Frozen Yogurt as their host,police officers received positive feedback. (Notes 3 & 4) "[This was a] great idea." says Kayla Rees, employee at TJ's Frozen Yogurt. "I think it definitely helped." (Notes 5 &6)

"This was a good place to ask questions." said Luke Parmer, an employee at TJ's Frozen Yogurt. (Note 7) "TJ's is a family friendly business that attracts the community."

First held in 2012 in California , Coffee with a Cop, is now nationwide. This is San Angelo's fourth Coffee with a Cop since last year. (Note 8)

"We try to hold them quarterly,"said Officer Tinsely. "I received an email from the Stephens Central Branch Library wanting to host as our next location." Customers complimented the act and some even showed up specifically for the occasion. (Note 9)

The officers hope that the next event will run smoothly. "We expect chaos," said Officer Upton. (Note 10) Starting earlier than intended, the police asked people for their opinions on how they can improve.

"The police department needs to do more of this." says Michelle Misir, a customer at TJ's, "This was a good place to choose because it is intimate and big enough to where it has a one-on-one effect." Ms.Misir agreed that the department has shown its support to the community their support.

"I don't think a negative effect is possible,"said Officer Upton. "This builds a better partnership between the police and the community." (Note 11)

Note 1: This is what we call your lede. It's your intro to the story and where you draw in a reader. Many people stop reading right at the beginning, so you might want to tease them in. Keep in mind, though, you don't want to use a question in your lede, because that's lazy and readers are looking at your piece for answers, not more questions. It's often helpful to go back and rewrite your lede after you've finished writing your story. Sometimes something sparks.

Note 2: Says vs. said depends on the newspaper. I've been at one where the features department used "says" and the news department used "said." I like "said" because there's no doubt. He said it. He could have said it many times, but he said it. Any time someone writes "says" I envision someone with his mouth open, doomed to perpetually say the same thing for all time.

Note 3: Be very careful that your pronouns agree with your nouns if they are plural or singular. Police department is a single unit, so you can't say "they." Police officers are plural, so you can.

Note 4: This is an example of backing into a sentence: By choosing TJ's Frozen Yogurt as their host, police officers received positive feedback. You make your sentence weaker that way. Sometimes you can use it, but I'd try to keep away from it as much as possible. Just switch the order around if you find yourself setting your sentence off with a dependent clause: Police officers received positive feedback from choosing TJ's Frozen Yogurt as their host.

Note 5: We never use brackets. We use parenthesis. That's a style thing. Some newer magazines and really hip publications might use brackets, but we're stodgy.

Note 6: "[This was a] great idea." Why was so much of this quote assumed? Use paraphrasing in this instance and you'll be better off. Save your quotes for the really important items. If you have too many quotes in a story, they begin to blend. One or two sprinkled in mean that they have more emphasis.

Paraphrasing means that you tell what someone says, but you don't use the exact wording that you would use in a quote. So, here are some variations:

"The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed." – Eminem

· We don't know what is going to happen, Eminem said "Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed."

· Nothing is guaranteed, Eminem said. "Life is a crazy ride."

· The truth is people don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, Eminem said.

The important thing is to keep the original message and intent the same.

Note 7: All these references to the place make me think you're writing an ad for them, not writing a story. But, remember, we can't take liberties with people's or stores' names.

**Yes, you kept mentioning the place where the event took place. You mentioned it a lot. Once that's established in a news story, move on, otherwise you're being redundant and we like to be as short and sweet as we can in the newspaper.

Note 8: You might want to cite your sources on a lot of your information, especially as a new reporter (better safe than sorry). Never assume that your readers trust you. They should be skeptical.

**Citing doesn't necessarily mean quoting. Just tell us where this information is coming from. Some things I'll trust you as a reporter to tell me directly, "About 40 people attended the function." Other things I won't, "TJs is the best place to get ice cream in San Angelo."

Note 9: Customers complimented the act and some even showed up specifically for the occasion. This really doesn't tell me much new. And the language is kind of stilted.

Note 10: This is the first reference of Upton. We need his full name.

Note 11: OK, so for a story for the paper, I'd also want to know how many people were there, what did they talk about, what were some people's complaints and compliments? I'd also want to know something that's very difficult for many reporters. I often tell them, don't just tell me, SHOW me. What did the interior of TJ's look like? What were people eating? Was there laughter? Finger-pointing. Describe what you saw, don't just tell me what people said. That's easy. Training to be a reporter means going beyond that easy stretch of telling me who was at an event and adding a few quotes, otherwise everyone would do it.

-I'll be posting up my improvements as I get critique this is a way I'm getting published so I'm happy. Even though I haven't sent in any more poems I'm sure I'm getting somewhere.-

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June 5, 2014