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Part Fifty Nine

Patrick's POV

Kayla leans down and places the flowers on Nick and Rachel's graves, the freshly placed dirt a rich brown against our yellow roses. The entire team is like a dark rain cloud and not a single face has been dry all day. Laura leans against Jonathan, his arms wrapped tight around her as her body quivers with silent sobs. His face is tight, somber, serious. He's trying to be strong for the team, trying to be strong for Laura, but I can tell it's killing him inside. His dark eyes are empty as he leans his head down and kisses the top of hers. When Kayla reaches for my hand, I hold her fingers tight in mine, a reminder of how quickly someone can be taken from you. It's happened to the two of us more than once, but we've been lucky enough to survive, to have the chance to love each other more.

Everyone leaves the funeral silently. There's just a lot going through our heads, with our game against the Wild tonight and Nick dying, along with Laura's sister and apparently a baby that she was going to have. It's just a big rush of emotions and even I can barely handle it. My hand is shaking as I try to put the key into the ignition. Kayla looks at me worried and her hand settles on mine. "Pat," she says, her eyes worried as they try to make contact with me. I give her a weak smile. "Yeah?" "You okay?" I take a breathe as I turn the key and start the car. "Yeah, I'm fine," I manage to squeeze out. "Just feels like a lot is happening right now and I don't know if I can handle it." Her lips make contact with mine, reassuring for that one moment in time when we kiss. "It's going to be okay," she whispers. And I trust her. It's going to be alright.

Jonathan's POV

Laura comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me, her head leaning on my back. "Ready?" she asks, and I nod. She's so tiny against me in all my equipment as I turn around and give her a hug. As she leaves, I turn around and look at Nick's locker next to mine. A lone jersey hangs in it along with tons of flowers sent from Hawks fans and family and friends of Nick. When we start lining up to go out, I take the jersey carefully down from the hook and cradle it in my arms, then take my place at the end of the line. Breathe Jonathan breathe. I can feel myself tensing up at the memory of Nick. How he used to go on before me and now instead of staring at his normal number eight, I'm looking at Andrew's sixty-five. I pull Nick's jersey a little closer to me as we go out and try to keep any tears from falling.

The whole team lines up in two lines across the ice, just the Hawks. The Minnesota Wild silently file onto their bench, having been notified of what is happening in tonight's game. Jim walks out to the middle of the ice, the spotlight tonight not on him. Instead it shines between me and Brandon Saad, on Nick's jersey, the letters of his last name lit up and almost glowing. I'm holding a side of the jersey because I'm captain and because I'm the one who has to be strong about all this, but Brandon is holding it because he and Nick were the closest guys on the team. At the funeral this morning, no one could keep him from crying and Heidi just held onto him as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

Tonight, he has a poker face on, his eyes focused on the American flag that hangs in the rafters. As Jim sings the national anthem, the jersey is lifted from our hands and towards the rooftop where it hangs among the banners. The entire arena is silent, completely different from the normal shouting and cheering that it hears. Tonight, all eyes are on that lone jersey hanging amoung our Stanley Cup banners, the red clearly visible against the stark white contrast. As the anthem ends, the spotlight dims on the jersey and then completely fades as the arena lights slowly come back on. The silence continues though, the only sound being our skates slowly moving on the ice on our way back to the bench. Everyone is quiet tonight, but we know one thing: We're going to win this for Nick, no matter what it takes. He deserves it more than anything in this world. We promise we'll win this Nick. Promise buddy.

Brandon's POV

The final horn sounds, the score 4-2 in favor of us. I bump fists with Jonathan as I head back into the locker room, a fake smile plastered on my face for the media. We do the usual interviews, the media asking about how we played tonight, what we hope to do in coming games. Then one reporter hits home. "What is going to be the hardest part of not having Nick to play anymore?" she asks. And I can't take it anymore. My eyes turn up and meet hers. "Nick wasn't just another player on that ice," I say, my voice cracking under the pressure of trying to hold back tears. "He was a brother to us, especially to me, someone I could tell anything to. And now he's gone." Their microphones pry closer, hungry sharks aiming for that little bit of information to sell to the public. "He's gone," I say and the tears start falling. My hand reaches up to swipe them from my face and Heidi pushes through the crowd, taking my hand in hers and pulling me out of the hungry sharks, their microphones quickly moving over to engulf Jonathan.

We drive quietly home and Heidi hugs me when we're inside the apartment. "Brandon, I'm going to be right back, okay, don't do anything while I'm gone ok?" She heads off to the bedroom to change and I go to the bathroom. I splash water on my face and look up, my empty eyes staring back at my reflection in the mirror. The water drops off my chin and splashes down onto my shirt, so I take a towel and pat it off. When I pull the towel from my face, the razor on the sink catches my eye.

Heidi is my best friend in life, of course, because I love her and I don't think I could love any one more, but Nick...Nick was my best friend. He helped me whenever I wanted it, was the first person on the team to invite me somewhere. We moved in together, helped each other get dates, in fact, every good memory that I can think of before I met Heidi has Nick in it.

At the funeral, I felt everything collapsing, like my world was spinning and no matter how hard I tried to keep those tears in, I couldn't. It was Nick lying in the ground, Nick who wouldn't get to raise that Cup again, Nick who wouldn't get to live his dream of playing hockey. He told me that that was always his dream as a kid, just get to the pros no matter what it took because to skate on that ice...would mean everything in the world to him.

My hand reaches for that razor, the old comfort of it against my skin sparking in my brain. My fingers graze against it, my eyes closing as my hand grips it. As I lift it, there's a knock against the door. "Brandon?" Heidi asks as she pushes it open. Her eyes fall on the razor lifted and near my wrist. "Brandon..." Her voice is soft, but questioning. "Don't," she says, the one word falling from her mouth like a weight into the ocean, sinking straight to the bathroom floor between us. "Please." I look at the razor in my hand and then at her face, her eyes begging me to stop.

It falls from my hand clattering to the ground, the sound echoing against the still bathroom. Heidi rushes to me, hugging me as I slump down to the cold tile floor, her head against my chest as it rises and falls with my sobs. "Nick is gone," I cry. "He's gone forever."

Heidi takes my face in her hands, the tears running down my face against her fingers match the ones falling down her own face. "Nick is gone but you are not, my sweet boy." I shake my head as more tears fall. "Nick is still alive," she says. "But he's only alive when you are."

Her head rests on my chest, and we lie on the floor, the cold tile against my back, the razor inches away from my hand, itching, tempting to be picked up. But I won't. Not today, because for today, Nick lives on.

~Long time no see, huh? I have a lot of things going on in my life, especially college related which is why I haven't gotten to update a lot recently. For those of you who have stuck through it all, thank you. I love all of you guys and thank you each time you read a new chapter. This chapter was a bit short, so expect a new update tomorrow afternoon. Don't put away those tissues though-you're probably going to need them.~