So much for things starting to look up again.....
Im back to what is potentially an even worse place than before.
Maybe i just lied to myself and its biting me on the ass already.
So lets talk about yesterday.
Wake up.
Fine.
Zoe then isn't good and i gotta try play therapist with her but i get stressed and upset.
Then im made to go get my hair cut which really fucked up my dysphoria and then,, social anxiety. Then i went my nans which was ok just idk i felt off.
I get home and im just about ok.
I clean up then go to try on sone clothes and take selfies.
At this point my dysphoria reaches a new high but im refusing to give in to it.
I post said selfies and get changed.
But then my Dysphoria gets worse and worse. I get insecure about the pictures, i don't wanna look at myself i get really really worked up and i suppose slightly anxious? And end up archiving a bunch of pics from my instagram.... then i get REALLY worked up. My dysphoria reallyyyy had fun messing with me yesterday bc i ended up having what is probably my biggest breakdown since before New Year?? It was bad.
Then after that i was unusually tired even for after a breakdown ;-;
Ok so next part will tie in to that story.
🚫SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING
Well....this problem just will not go away will it
Wednesday i cut reallyyyy badly.
Thursday night drunk me got sad and cut.
Oh yh i got drunk. I coulda stopped drinking but, it felt nice drinking problems away.
Then last night i cut bc of the breakdown.
That's 3 days in a row.
And 5 times in the space of 7 days.
This. Is. A. Problem.
My arm is a fucking mess.
I neeeed to stop before summer. I cant spend another summer in long sleeves!!! It's gotta be clean b4 summer. But then its so bad i am gonna have long-lasting scars...but i can cover them and get that scar hiding serum thing.
But. Its a problem. And idk wt to do about it.
I dont wanna tell college because if they think its bad enough and there's a danger im gonna kill myself then they can tell my parents and i cant do that i cant have them know.
I just honestly don't think im gonna get better...
Ive cried nearly every day this past week bc of dysphoria or stress or anything. Im just hopeless.
I cant do anything right.
My friends and Zoe r rlly worried about me ;-;
My mental health is really bad.
And honestly i can settle for it never being any better. I don't have the energy to pretend i feel ok or keep trying to get better anymore!? Ugh yh.
I literally only try for u guys, my friends. If i didn't have y'all then honestly I'd have given up.
But yh anyway life is shit.
I got drunk on Thursdayyyy. That was funn. First time ever! Turns out im a drunk who is just less filtered which can lead to crying and being sad which leads to more drinking!? Ha.
Dangerous knowing im that sorta drinker now ;-; ooofle dooofle.
Anyway
Idk wt else to say.
I'll be fine.
I am fine.
I feel better after this rant not gonna lie <3
Love y'all ♡ xx
Bi xx
