🚫 Self Harm Trigger Warning 🚫
I've come to the conclusion that i HATE mornings.
Why? Cosssss that's my bad time.....
Not every morning is the same of course, but in alot of them this happens...
I wake up.
Half asleep i look at my phone see what time it is and log into instagram. That's what i do first. Then i go to see the sweet message my boyfriend left me and i smile, message him saying good morning and wait to see if he's awake.
All good. Eventually my brain wakes up enough that im conscious of everything.
Idk why my head decides to try and process absolutley everything at 6 am (or whenever ive woken up), it just does.
It likes to start thinking about that stressful thing I've got going on with my friend and how thats all my fault bc im a shit friend, how my sister keeps being really really mean to me and how im pathetic for taking it all personally, how i was born in the wrong body and how much i hate that and it drives me INSANE, how i wanna talk to ppl more but im too scared to "bother them" even tho they reassure me im never a bother 🤷♀️
Sometimes it's how much i miss my auntie who passed away which makes me rlly upset and down cos i never really got to say goodbye.....
Other times its messy relationships I've had that go through my head, which then makes me briefly terrified of my current boyfriend, even tho he'd never hurt me....
Other things like college go through my head! Two friends know im trans* now! But i haven't seen them for months and i told them via text sooo idk what to do. What name will they call me when i see them? Do i want them to call me billie? Will i get outed to ppl i dont want to be outed too!!?! Will they even wanna be my friend anymore.... they've barely spoke to me over summer..... maybe im just boring....
Sometimes i cry. Sometimes i want to cry but cant.
On occassions, when it gets too much... i grab the blade and start cutting my skin, because at that moment, it's the only way of getting myself calm. I've even learned not to panic at the sight of blood now and i hate myself for it.
All this goes through my head, nearly every morning.... idk y its the mornings? Im just sleepy and fragile i guess....
Then i dump alot of this on my boyfriend... which he assures me is okay but im scared i worry him too much, im scared im gonna hurt him. He has his own problems and mine on top of his isnt what he needs....
I dont like worrying people... at first i thought it was cos i was being nice and didn't wanna make them upset or anything? But actually ive realised it's bc i dont feel like i deserve to be worried about... like why waste ur emotions on me, right?
And that my friends is why i hate mornings. Because i become a sad depresso wreck.
