I've realised something
I don't have a proper fashion sense anymore and I think I've gone further and further into being less self excessive.
Lemme explain.
I used to wear like fairly good clothes and stuff like flannel and a t shirt or cute normal jumpers or hoodies right?
Now I pretty much only wear merch.
Which is fine but it gets boring.
Like doctor who t shirt every day is great. Doctor who jumper is great.
But I have no sense of individual fashion at all now.
I think I wear Merch alot bc it's Merch. Anyone can wear Merch? It's neutral. Therefore I feel less like I'm wearing "boys clothes" and more like I'm wearing just clothes? Right?
I used to wear loads of different things actually but now idk. It's Merch. Everyday. And it's kinda boring...
Fashion to me is quite cool! I'm interested in it ! No religiously but yeah I enjoy it and planning outfits and stuff.
Like.i used to have outfits to plan for going out, now I don't bother as much bc it's all just Merch!!!!
Anyway,,,,, sksksksk
So like I feel like I'm expressing the geeky nerdy side of me ! Which is gr8, but I don't express the flamboyant outgoing fabulous side of me anymore?
High school i was the most stereotypical gay kid ever. Very camp. Quite feminine. Very gay.
Now I'm quiet and nerdy. Which is fine!! I just miss having my flamboyant side right?
But I restrict myself because my fashion sense now is girls clothes.
I have little interest in men's clothing at all now. Merch is fine. Jumpers r fine.
But in terms of style etc, no.
I want denim skirts and cute hats, Black dresses and tights, cat tights and tees, glittery sparkles and pinks. I have styles in my head of who I wanna be and how I wanna express myself, just now I've realised what that is I feel I can't do it.
Because I'm not ready to come out and I'm not confident enough to go out in it and I'm scared I'll get hurt and I'm worried I'll be judged negatively by my family and aaah.
I think I could actually be really creative with how I look. Really creative and unique at how I express myself outwardly by how I dress, act, and make myself appear. But I don't.
I wear Merch everyday. I stay quiet alot. I'm not being myself. Ever.
I used to be rlly loud and sassy and rlly like, actually happy. Now I'm quiet, usually seen as miserable or rude, I'm awkward. Idk It's weird.
I feel like I only show a tiny bit of myself and there's so much more to me than what everyone actually sees and I just am too scared to show it and it's frustrating me.
I also feel like I've changed.
Somewhat for the better i suppose, but also not really.
I've become less and less out going.
Less and less self expressive.
More and more filled with anxiety.
I overthink everything way too much now, which holds me back doing things I want to do.
I don't feel like I'm myself and I haven't felt like myself for most of this year and it's really getting on my nerves and idk what to do because idk if it's a thing of I need to come out or a thing of I need to work on self confidence more in general ?
I guess I started retracting into my safe shell when I started college in sepetmebr 2017, not knowing anyone there.
But I feel like it really started January after my messiest relationship ever.
Oof.
Anyway
Sorry
I didn't know I needed to rant this much XD
Anyway
Yh
Love y'all
Bye x
Sorry
Oof
