Hi.
Today marks a year since my auntie passed away.
I have no idea where that year has gone, but it's been rough.
I'd personally say that's where everything with bad mental health started. A year ago today.
I think about her everyday. I miss her every second.
I feel like I never got chance to say goodbye and that pains me everyday.
I feel like she never actually got to know the real me... she never knew Billie. Altho at that point, neither did i. Or maybe she does. Maybe she hears the conversations I have at her graveside with her. Maybe she's watched me go through all this?
Maybe she knows...? Maybe she knows Billie. She can see me? Hear me? I'd like to think she can.
It's funny, i've never been a religious person. And I still am not. But since your passing I've believed in a concept of afterlife. A heaven. That you're out there, a star in the sky, a rainbow over the hills.
That you're watching over me, there to catch me when I fall, even if I don't know it.
You're my someone to talk to, even tho there's no answer.
My emotional support, even tho I cant hear you.
I talk to you, i don't know if u really can hear me, but I have hope that you can.
Lady Gaga has a song, it's called Joanne. The meaning of that song is about when her father lost his sister named, "Joanne." It's about losing a loved one to heaven. That song helped me through the loss of my auntie. As if gaga's music didn't mean enough to me already, it now means more.
My auntie's middle name is Joanne.
No joke. Her middle name is Joanne.
So when I hear that song or play that song, I think of her. I sing it to her, not very well but I try my best :)
Hoping she hears me.
Why is Joanne my favourite lady gaga album? Because it means the most, It has that song.
Lady Gaga's full real name is- Stefani Joanne Angelina Germonatta. So, my auntie had a middle name the same as gaga. How awesome is that :) And then the song just makes my heart feel better.
Loss is painful. Loss is empty. Loss is hurt. But I know somewhere she's looking down on me. Believing in me.
"Take my hand, stay Joanne. Heavens not ready for you." - Lady gaga, Joanne x
~ Billie X
