imperfect fit ; an everlark au based off of 'the selection' series

s i x t y - t w o

For as fast as I'm going to my room, Gale is faster. I shouldn't be surprised. Gale knows the palace so well, this is probably nothing to him now.

"Hey," I start, a little unsure of what to say.

Quickly, he wraps his arm around me, then pulls away. "That's my girl."

I smile. "Yeah?"

"You put 'em in their place, Katniss." Risking his life, Gale runs a thumb down my cheeks. "You do deserve to be happy. We all do."

"Thank you."

Smiling, he drops his hand to move the bracelet Peeta had brought me from New Asia and reaches underneath to touch the one I'd made of a button he'd given me. His eyes look sad as he stares at our little memento.

"We'll talk soon. Really talk. There's a lot we need to work out."

With that, Gale moves down the hall. I sigh and put my head in my hands. Does he assume my rejection means that I'm pushing Peeta away for good? Does he think I want to rekindle things with him?

Then again, hadn't I just pushed Peeta away?

Hadn't I thought yesterday that Gale needs to stay in my life?

So then why does everything feel awful?

-

The mood in the Women's Room is dark. After yesterday, we're avoiding doing anything that might require us to interact with each other. Glimmer has a pile of magazines and is stretched out on the couch. In a very wise move, Delly has taken her journal and settled in to write. Why hadn't I thought of that? Esim has gotten out a collection of drawing pencils and is working on something by the window. I sit in a wide chair near the door, reading a book. Effie is also with us, and she sits in a corner, writing notes on something. I notice her look up at us every once in a while.

As it is, we don't even have to make eye contact.

I try to concentrate on the words in front of me, but mostly I wonder who the Northern rebels want as princess if they can't have me. Glimmer is very popular, and it would be easy for people to follow her. I wonder if they're aware of how manipulative she can be. If they know things about me, maybe they do. Is there more to Glimmer than I've guessed?

Delly is sweet, and according to that poll a while back, she is one of the people's favorites. Her family doesn't have much sway, but she's more of a princess than the rest of us. She has that air about her. Maybe that's her big draw; she's not perfect, but she's lovable. There are days when even I want to follow Delly.

The one I suspect the least is Esim. She's admitted she doesn't love Peeta and that she's here because of a duty. I genuinely thought that when she spoke of duty she meant to her family or to her New Asian roots, not to the Northern rebels. Besides that, she's so stoic and calm. There's nothing close to rebellious about her.

And that's why I'm suddenly positive she's their favorite. She seems to be trying the least to compete and has openly admitted her coolness towards Peeta. Maybe she doesn't have to try because, at the end of the day, she has a quiet army of supporters to put her under the crown anyway.

"That's it," Effie says suddenly. "All of you, come here." She pushes her little table away and stands as we all walk over nervously. "Something's wrong. What is it?" she demands. She puts her hands on her hips.

We all look to one another, none of us wanting to explain. Finally, too-perfect Delly pipes up. "You see, we've just suddenly realized how intense this competition is. We're a bit more aware of where we each stand with the prince, and it's difficult to let it sink in and still want to chat right now."

"Okay. Know this: as much tension as you feel with one another now, you will ache when someone here you like, or are friends with leaves. No one will ever understand this experience like you guys do, the Elite especially. I know how you all act. You may fight, but that's what sisters do. You'll never want to lose these relationships." We all look at one another. "So take your time. Adjust to where you are. And let it go."

All of a sudden, everything from the past few days crashes onto my heart, and I feel like it's seconds away from cracking.

"Excuse me, please," I mumble before moving swiftly to the door. I don't have a plan. Maybe I can go sit in the bathroom for a minute, or go tuck myself away in one of the numerous parlors downstairs. Maybe I can just go to my room and cry.

Unfortunately, it looks like the universe is plotting against me. Just outside the Women's Room, Peeta paces back and forth, looking as if he's trying to solve a riddle. Before I can go and hide somewhere else, he sees me.

Of everything I want to do right now, this is the last thing on my list.

"I was debating asking you to come out," he says.

"What do you need?" I answer shortly.

Peeta stands there, still working up the nerve to say something that's obviously driving him crazy. "So there's one girl who loves me beyond reason?"

I cross my arms. After the last few days, I should have seen his change of heart coming. "Yes."

"Not two?"

I look up at him, almost irritated that he needs me to explain. Don't you already know how I feel? I want to scream. Don't you remember the safe room?

But, honestly, I need some confirmation right now, too.

What has happened to make me unsure so quickly?

The queen. Her insulations about what the other girls have done, her praise of their merits makes me feel small. And it's compounded by all my missteps from Peeta this week. The only way we will have ever been brought together is because of The Selection; but it seems that as long sit goes on, there's not way for anything to feel certain.

"You told me you didn't trust me," I accuse. "The other day you made a point of humiliating me, and yesterday you basically said I was an embarrassment. And not a few hours ago, the suggestion of marrying me sent you into a rage. Forgive me for not feeling so secure in our relationship right now."

"You forget that I've never done this, Katniss," he says passionately, but without any anger. "You have someone to compare me to. I don't even know how to have a typical relationship, and I only get one chance. You've had at least two. I'm going to make mistakes."

"I don't mind mistakes," I shoot back. "I mind the uncertainty. Most of the time I can't tell what's going on." He's quiet for a moment, and I realize we've come to a very serious crossroad. We've implied so many things, but we can't go on like this for much longer. Even if we end up together, these moments of insecurity will haunt us. "We keep doing this," I breathe, exhausted with this game. "We get close and then something happens and it falls apart, and you never seem to be able to make a decision. If you want me as much as you've always claimed to, why isn't this over?"

Even though I've accused him of not caring about me at all, his frustration melts into sadness. "Because half of the time I'd been sure you loved someone else and the other had I've doubted you could love me at all," he answers, making me feel positively awful.

"Like I haven't had my own reasons to doubt? You treat Delly like she's heaven on earth, and then I catch you with Glimmer-"

"I explained that."

"Yes, but it still hurt to see."

"Well, it hurts to see how quickly you shut down. Where does that even come from?"

"I don't know, but maybe you should stop thinking about me for a while."

The silence is abrupt.

"What does that mean?"

I shrug. "There are three other girls here. If you're so worried about your one shot, you might want to make sure your not wasting it on me."

I walk away, angry with Peeta for making me feel this way . . . and angry with myself for making things so much worse.