imperfect fit ; an everlark au based off of 'the selection' series

f i f t y - t h r e e

I cross my arms. "I've heard Delly's version of what happened, and I don't think she's exaggerating anything. As for Glimmer, I'd rather never talk about her again."

He laughs. "So stubborn. I'll miss that."

I'm quiet for a minute. "So it's done then? I'm out?"

Peeta thinks it over. "I'm not sure I can stop it now. Isn't that what you wanted?"

I shake my head. "I was mad," I whisper. "I was so mad."

I look away, not wanting to cry. Apparently Peeta decides that I need to listen to what he has to say, whether I want to or not. Finally he's trapped me, and I will have to hear everything he wants to tell me.

"I thought you were mine," he says. I peek over and find him staring at the ceiling. "If I could have proposed at the Halloween party, I would have. I'm supposed to do something official with my parents and guests and cameras, but I got special permission to ask you privately when we were ready and have a reception afterward. I never told you about that, did I?" Peeta looks over to me, and I give a small shake of my head. He smiles bitterly, remembering. "I had this speech all prepared, all these promises I wanted to make. I probably would have forgotten it and made an idiot of myself. Though . . . I can remember it now." He sighs. "I'll spare you."

He pauses briefly. "When you pushed me away, I panicked. I had thought that I was done with this insane contest, and I found myself feeling like it was the very first day of the Selection all over again, only this time my options are far more limited. And just the week before, I'd spent time with all those girls trying to find someone who outshone you, who I thought I could want more, and I failed. I felt hopeless.

"And then Delly came to me, so very humble, only wanting to see me happy, and I wondered how I'd missed that in her. I know she's very nice, and she's attractive; but there was something more to her this whole time. I think I simply wasn't really looking. What reason did I have when there was you?"

I wrap my arms around myself, trying to hide from the ache. There's no me anymore. I've ruined all that.

"Do you love her?" I ask meekly. I don't want to see his face, but the long pause lets me know that there's something deep between the two of them.

"It's different than what you and I had. It's quieter, maybe. Friendlier. But it's steady. I can depend on Delly, and I know without question that she's devoted to me. As you can see, there is very little certainty in my world. She's refreshing in that way."

I nod, still avoiding eye contact. All I can think about is how he speaks of him and me in past tense and has nothing but praise for Delly. I wish I have something bad to say about her, something that will bring her down a notch; but I don't. Delly is a lady. From the beginning she's done everything well, ad I'm surprised that he had favored me over her in the first place.

"Then why Glimmer?" I ask, finally facing him. "If Delly is so wonderful . . ."

Peeta nods his head, seeming embarrassed about this subject. It was his idea to talk about it in the first place, though, so he must already have something in mind to say. He stands, giving his back another tentative stretch, and starts pacing the small space.

"As you now know, my life is full of stresses I prefer not to share. I live in a constant state of tension. I'm always being watched, judged. My parents, our advisers . . . there are always cameras in my life, and now you're all here," he says, motioning to me. "I'm sure you've felt trapped at least once because of your district, but imagine how I feel. There are things I've seen, Katniss, and things I know; and I don't think I'll ever be able to change them.